Dear Bruce, I need relationship advice!

7. December 2007 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I have been seeing a man for a while who, now that we are engaged, I realize probably is not the kind of person God wants me to be with. He does not seem to have a relationship with God, has no Christian friends, and does not like it when I want to bring up spiritual issues. I have told him that we should call off the wedding, but I am confused as to how I should relate to him from this point on. Do I stay away all together? Is all of this terrible for my Christian “witness”? Why do I keep getting into relationships with men who clearly are not the kind of men God wants me to be in a relationship with? And how do I find the kind of person God wants me to be with?

Anonymous

Dear Reader,

There are a number of issues at play here, it seems to me. Let’s start with the foundation and build from there on this one. First, as you seem to know (at least intellectually), God does have a plan in mind for us as it pertains to relationships, dating, and marriage. Fundamentally, and as we have seen this week in the blogs on wholeness, we must come to a place where we are settled and at rest in the reality that God’s plans for us are much better than our own.

The reason we tend to get off track even when we “know” the truth is that our own bent desires tend to lead us. Like Milton’s “Satan” in Paradise Lost (see yesterday’s blog), we tend to view ourselves impaired or denied when what we want is not what God wants. We fail to remember that the one who created us knows exactly what is best for us. In God’s wisdom, it is clearly better for us to be in relationship with those who are like-minded spiritually. For a committed believer to be in a romantic relationship with a non-believer just makes no sense. The bible suggests that light and darkness don’t match. It is not a good fit. The foundation of romantic, and certainly marital relationships, must be a common faith and pursuit of God’s ways. If this is not in place disaster awaits.

This being said, I think you have made the right decision in calling off the wedding. God forbid, you just give it a go and “hope for the best”. Our best hopes in such a situation turn into a miserable state of affairs. In terms of relating to this individual from here on, I believe you will have to be sensitive to wisdom, practical realities, and the hopes you have for your future.

Does it hurt your “witness”? Well, its never a good thing, in terms of your impact, to walk out your faith in a way that is short of the standards God has made clear. Sadly, we all do this too often. So, accept that you missed the mark, let him and others know that you did just that, and then let him and others know that grace is the operative key reality of your life and that your intentions are to move forward with your future according to God’s plans. Assure people that you recognize your failure, have learned from it, and that you desire to walk out your faith as God has called you to do from this point on.

Wisdom, I believe, calls you to be loving and kind with this man while maintaining boundaries that are appropriate. Practically speaking, you cannot move forward assuming you will “win” him over to your faith perspective. We should not be in relationships where we are hoping to make the person something we want them to be. We ought to pursue and relate with those who are already compatible (though not perfect). Affirm your genuine concern for him and be a friend to him, provided it does not leave you open to temptations you know you will give in to. If you cannot remain just friends while being in contact with each other, then I suggest you take the necessary steps and limit your contact. Again, if you are not “equally yoked” and this man does not even like to engage in spiritual conversation, you are merely prolonging the frustration if you remain too close to it. Your “feelings” must be driven by biblical truth. Emotionally, we are prone to wander, so, make a commitment to allow God’s clear plan to drive you in the direction He has intended and over time feelings can be more in keeping with what God feels about things.

At this point in your life you need to focus your relational efforts in a direction that will take you where God’s future hopes for you are fulfilled. Spend time getting to know people, but do so with God standards in mind. We are called to be light in a dark world, and we are called to be in relationship with others (those inside and outside the church). Don’t fear interacting with other people. Yet, you must be realistic about your tendencies. If men in general are a battlefield for you, then take measures to ensure that you remain properly focused. If you are asked to consider a situation (lunch, dinner, other “date”-like scenarios) that would be attractive to you at first glance, then take time to ponder the spiritual compatibility level first and foremost. Then, assuming that is in place, proceed with wisdom and relax.

I do not think God is going to send you a Godly husband via express mail with a marriage certificate attached. Spend time getting to know people. Along the way, recognize that the most important factor in your “finding” the kind of person God has for you is for you to become the kind of person that an interesting and Godly man would desire. Allow God to make you what He has called you to be and you will have a greater likelihood of stumbling upon the kind of man you desire.

Lastly, in addressing your confession that you seem to wind up with men who are not the kind of person God has for you, let me offer a bit of encouragement for you to run to the most secure source of soul companionship. Until and unless you find yourself at rest in who God is and who He has called you to be, you have little hope in dealing with this issue. We tend to get into those patterns when we move away from God as our source for healing, protection, love, companionship, purpose, and fulfillment. No man will ever offer you ALL you are looking for. Only God quenches the deepest needs of our lives, and only God heals the deepest hurts. Go to Him as the source of your most profound love. He is the only perfect Lover of our souls. Once we rest in that truth, we are freed up to live and love as He intends. He desires that we be in relationship, but all relationships are secondary to our journey with Him.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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