Dear Bruce, What should I be looking for?

28. December 2007 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I am single, middle-aged, fairly attractive, a committed Christian, and am hoping to be married some day.  I find myself all over the map in terms of what I am attracted to, and wonder how much practical thinking vs. spiritual thinking should go into the process of finding a mate.  I want to be with someone who is good for me and who God approves of, but I am not sure how I go about finding that.  How does a vibrant Christian person go about this “dating game?”

Thanks for your reply in advance,

A

Dear A,

The “dating game” you refer to can indeed be a bit challenging.  The focus for you, or anyone who is a committed Christian, should be upon building relationships with a solid spiritual foundation.  Notice I said “relationships” plural.  The reason I start here along with the encouragement to build upon common spiritual grounds is simple–you cannot know for sure, what kind of person you are, by God’s design, most compatible with.  That is to say, while you may have an idea of the type of person you are looking for, it is possible that someone with a little different twist may come along and you will be pleasantly surprised.  Compatibility, in my view, is a very critical factor, but you don’t always know ahead of time just what you are really compatible with.  So, spend time with a number of different people, building friendships, and allow that “spark” to be quickened naturally over time, and see where it leads.  Don’t go into each new relational interaction thinking “Is this the one I will marry?”  Sometimes a friendship is the best fit for two people.  That being said, when the “spark” ignites, built upon God’s principles for relationship building, then jump in and see where it might take the two of you.

Let’s assume, for the moment, that you are absolutely convinced of the need to be “matched” spiritually speaking, with this foundation in place (a non-negotiable) then you need to think through some practical realities.  You should be inclined pursue others with common interests.  Do you both like the arts, outdoors, sports, reading, travel, etc.  A high level of common likes and/or dislikes in these areas will provide for a setting in which you can enjoy each other as you enjoy life.  Further, you should be aware of personality issues.  While you should not be looking for your twin in the opposite sex, you do have a better chance, in my view, of a long-lasting relationship with someone who has a personality that blends well with yours.  Look for good “fits” but not a copy of yourself.  The nuances in personality ought to lead to some sort of relational chemistry.  You should really enjoy one another’s company.

Beyond common spiritual pursuits, common interests, and personalities that mesh well, I think you both need to be headed toward the same overarching goals in life.  Are you both on the same page in terms of education, curiosity about life, financial goals, and family issues?  Do you both have similar views on lifestyle choices?  Do you both have common ideas about the kind of place you would like to live?  Do you both like to put down roots, or do you both like to see the world and hop around a bit over the years?

With the spiritual focus in tune, and some of the other issues I brought up, in alignment, spend time growing and developing as a God leads.  Pursue friendship where it is appropriate, and allow God to “spark” your interest where something more might potentially develop.  Don’t fear the process, and don’t settle for less than God intends.  Be open to surprising twists of “fate”, and realize we do play a role in choosing.  God is more than likely not going to send you a companion sealed up in a FedEx box.  Get out there, meet people, build interesting relationships, and offer God’s best to others.  Ask yourself regularly, “Am I the kind of person, by God’s grace, that others would/should be drawn to?”  Building ourselves, and becoming what God calls us to be is the first factor in “finding” a great match.

Much Love,

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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