Dear Bruce, …there was this guy…

Dear Bruce,

Four months ago I realized the guy I had been dating for a couple of months went on a date with someone else and I was totally blind sided…I guess I was ignorant of the guys expectations. So I told him I couldn’t be more than friends with him so long as he was dating other people and his response was although he liked me he didn’t want a girlfriend. Afterward, he never called me again and I avoided him in every way possible. I feel like I was very impulsive in my words and actions with him and afterwards I quit going to a class we were both enrolled in.  So, any hope for a friendship was killed as my actions told him I wasn’t interested. Part of me wishes I could undo the clock and have been more patient and understanding of him but I was so fearful he wouldn’t want me. I am SO stuck right now, because looking back I have lost quite a few guys because I was so fearful they wouldn’t want me that I avoided them. I don’t even know how (or even if I can) make things right with this man and secondly, I don’t even know how to not feel like running every time I like I guy. I am so fearful they won’t like me I avoid them all together. I find it difficult to talk to a guy or take the initiative to even say HI. I really would like wisdom on this.

Kris

Kris,

A common story I am afraid, from both sides of the equation.  Let me try to tackle each issue one at a time and see if you might find some perspective and help with this one.

First, you suggest that you were “dating” this guy for a couple of months.  That is not a long time, and I am not sure either of you should have been putting huge, exclusive expectations on the deal at that point.  In reality, you were still very early on in spending time together and really getting to know one another.  I wonder if your idea of the “dating” relationship was the same as his.  I suspect, from his decision/desire for no more than a friendship later on, that his idea was a bit more loose than yours in terms of relational expectations.  Let’s break this down a bit.

I am persuaded that folks ought to take time to get to know a number of people, over time, and in various settings before they succumb to the urge to exclusively “date” one person.  I realize some people have a different view on this matter, but it just seems to make good sense to me.  Thinking, secure, and emotionally mature people can find many people interesting, and can spend time getting to know a few people well, and over time become compelled that one particular person draws them more than others.  I believe that a healthy “dating” relationship develops as two people naturally move through a relational journey along the same time frame, emotional wavelength, and make all expectations known along the way.

In my view, sometime, over the course of those two months of spending time with each other, one or the other, preferably both, should have been open and willing to just openly discuss views on dating and specifically your relationship.  If from the beginning both know where the other stands in terms of relational beliefs and patterns then it is easier to decide early on whether or not you even are compatible from a relationship understanding level.  Then if things develop over time they do so naturally and without as much stress from unspoken and unrealized expectations.

I don’t know, because I don’t have the details, but as a caveat, let me address another issue here.  If either of you were giving the other false impressions about the relationship then that is another matter.  Often, a guy or a gal can “date” another person for a period of time, and then suggest at some point, “This has always been a friendship and nothing more”.  I have found this too common in the Christian “dating” community.  Some like to keep many “friends” around all the while leaving said “friends” with the unspoken idea that more is actually taking place.  This seems to allow some people with less than mature relational patterns to hide reality from themselves and ease their sense of relational guilt.  If your guy was operation on that level then its a different issue.  You will have to be the honest judge of that.  If so, you don’t need that.  Openness and clarity are essential and Christian.  Stay away from people who prefer to keep it fuzzy…trouble down the line.

Now, back to what we do know.

My opinion would be that if the guy was likable enough for you to consider him a “date-worthy” person, then he is probably someone you could have had a friendship with.  I think, realistically speaking, not all dating situations provide a reasonable framework for intimate friendship once a formal dating relationship ends, but some can and do work as friendships even if romance does not work out.  Perhaps, you should just call the guy, or send him a note/email, apologizing for over-expecting, and let him know you consider him a great guy and would appreciate his friendship if he desires to have one.  Then, have no expectations on that, and just see what happens.  Don’t sit around waiting and wondering either.  And don’t spend months wondering, “What if…?”  If anything truly lasting existed then the situation you described would not totally kill it.

Another issue which you bring up is one I hear often.  I think you need to work on developing a stronger sense of your security and comfort in your own skin.  No need to fear who will want you and who will not.  Know who you are in Christ, walk in accordance with who He has called you to be, and just relax.  We are not going to be liked, loved, or romantically pursued by all who interact with us.  No  matter how attractive one is, how wealthy one is, how successful one is, how …not everyone will be a good fit or be attracted to us romantically.  So, approach each perspective relationship as an attempt to get to know another of God’s unique creations, and just be content to see where it goes.  Sometimes, our lives are enriched by just getting to know another type of person.  Sometimes, the “practice” of doing life with another in any capacity gives us tools for future interaction.  I had to hit a million tennis balls on the practice court as a junior player before it ever really paid off in tournaments or in college play.  I enjoyed hitting each one, and learned from each successful stroke and each broken stroke.  Enjoy the process.

I have met people who never got over a long lost love from years ago.  They were so hungry and desirous of that lost love that they just cannot fathom moving on with life. And now, it affects every other relationship they are in. GET OVER IT!  We cannot possibly figure it all out.  Some relationships, lost, would have turned out to be terrible for us though we cannot see it with our dim view of reality.  If we claim to trust God’s will for us, then we must accept the possibility that not every situation we think is the best for us actually is.  God knows better than us.

You ought to continue to pursue interaction with others, meet, engage, take initiative, and see where it goes.  Hint (guys don’t mind a woman who is comfortable enough in her own skin to make a move).  By the way…guys are not always confident enough and secure enough themselves to always be bold enough to engage someone they are attracted to…sometimes we too need a little help.  We all deal with the fear of rejection thing, but we can all work at getting over it, and taking God enabled risks as we grow in our security in Him.  Then the bad thoughts (she’s too …he’s too… what if she says…what if he says…) get less frequent and we ask more people for their time and we experience more depth in relationships and life.

Enjoy who God has made you to be, trust that you have time to allow His plans to unfold, and have fun with it.  Don’t go into every male/female interaction asking, “Is this the one?”  That is way too much pressure for everyone.  Finding someone interesting enough to get to know is just fine initially.  Let it grow naturally from there or die naturally.  Do it all gracefully.

Just by way of guy tips…like women, guys appreciate women who are comfortable in their own skin (not caught up in themselves though, and not fatally flawed by all kinds of emotional/psychological baggage),  poised, interactive, free from obvious fear of rejection (as if they will be devastated if the gig does not work out), emotionally mature, relationally mature, non-demanding in an all or nothing sense too early, and hungry and able to live life to the full with or without the current guy in her life.  In my view, all of these traits are developed as we find ourselves in Christ, and have our relationship with God as THE source of our inner security.  No earthly relationship will ever fill the void that only God can fill.

Get out there and enjoy meeting new people!

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

This entry was posted on 1. February 2008 at 11:22 and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.