Dear Bruce

30. May 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I was inspired by last week’s letter and it has got me thinking.  I have been divorced for a few years now, and living according to God’s plan, and am hopeful that at some point God has someone out there for me.  The problem is, it seems like the more committed to God a person is, the more narrow the “market” becomes.

Am I jaded or is this the case?  Sometimes I wonder if my standards are unreasonably high, but then I look at scripture and realize that I just want what God calls me to want.  I am not perfect and I don’t want or expect to find a perfect person, but I do get impatient with the process.  It seems like everyone I meet and have any interest in turns out to be a mismatch spiritually or otherwise.  How do I find “that person”?

Trudy

Trudy,

Hang in there and continue to hold on to God’s best for you.  Don’t settle out of a need for companionship.  When people settle they find they have settled into misery and unhappiness.  Take God up on His word, live the life He is calling you to, and be open and aware along the way.  The market is narrow, indeed, for those living the life God has called them to, but when you do happen upon that relationship, that narrowness translates to a much deeper sense of fulfillment.

Practically, you do have to be intentional about placing yourself in settings where other interesting people can “show up”.  Whatever your interests are, place yourself in settings where you can meet up with others who have similar interests.  Church socials, art museums, sports events, lectures, art classes, opera, theatre, …whatever you are passionate about, spend time in those settings so that you can expand your social network with others.  Then be aware of the kind of profile you are attracted to, but don’t lock you sights in so tight that you cannot notice something that could be an interesting “find”.  Learn to ask the kinds of questions that will give you insight to people early on without making it look like you are conducting a match-making interview.

We all have ideals in our mind when it comes to finding that one person, and some of that is valid.  We all have likes and dislikes.  Just make sure you are looking for a truly compatible person and not craving some irrational standard of a hunky, romantic, hollywoodized person.  There are some types of people we just fit better with than others, and that is fine.  The better the fit the greater the chance for a meaningful and stable relationship.  Make the spiritual part is most important and then look for like-minded people in other areas.

Along the way, don’t fear building enduring and Godly friendships.  It does not always have to be all or none.  The one you thought might be the one could very well be a great friend, but not a romantic long term interest.  And the one you thought would not be the one could actually turn out to be something you really are drawn to.  Just as our relationship with God entails mystery, so too our romantic relationships contain a certain amount of mystery.

Hang in, hold on, open yourself up, and put it all before God on a moment by moment basis.  We were made to be people who desire and need companionship, so don’t feel guilty about that.  But don’t allow that drive to override your common and spiritual sense.  Ultimately, no one human being can fulfill all of our needs in terms of companionship.  Only God can do that.  In those lonely moments, turn to Him in worship, prayer, and praise for who He is.

Lastly, while you are out there looking make sure you are investing your heart, time, emotions, and all in important things God has given you to do.  Don’t allow the need for a companion to dominate all your time, efforts, and thoughts.  That is not healthy and won’t help you find what you are looking for.  As you pursue God’s agenda for your life that special person will turn up…they are out there looking as well!

Grace and Peace,

Bruce

optimuslife.org

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