In Control? …Dear Bruce

27. June 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

My life feels out of control. It seems like no matter what I do I am not making any progress. My relationships, my work, …nothing seems to be where I want it. I have always admired those who seemed to have their lives in order, and I have always tried to be one of those people. I just cannot seem to get there.

You often write about living life to the full and finding the life you were meant to live, and I want that. I just am not sure I can make that happen. How do I live the kind of life I want? How do I get things under control? How do I make progress?

Everyone around me thinks I must have a great life. I grew up in a wealthy family, went to great schools, drive a fancy car, …but really, I know deep inside that my life is very much out of alignment. My job, which “looks good” on the outside, provides no joy for me, and I continually question what the point it. Is it enough just to make a good living while I waste away emotionally and relationally?

Any insight you could give would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Maria

Maria,

Thanks for your heartfelt question, openness and honesty. In our society there are not many who are willing, sadly, to actually look beyond the exterior to find answers to the questions you raise. Too often we make the assumption of others, “If it looks so good on the outside, it must really be good.” As you have pointed out, this is not the case. Further, we often buy into the falsehood that the best we can hope to do is to keep up with or surpass the Jones’. The good news is that life is more than that, it can be so much more than that. It’s not a simple equation, but I hope I can shed some light and hope on your situation.

First, let me encourage you to continue asking the questions and to remain honest with yourself and others about where you are. The more you evaluate and wrestle with this the more likely you are to get where you are meant to be…and sooner. Keep at it!

For starters, I would like to encourage you to remember (and you seem aware of this) that your worth depends not upon the size of your bank account, your professional title, or your family name. All of that is tinsel at best, and can be gone in a moment. Just as in the game of Monopoly, when the game of life is over, it all goes back in the box. When you come to that moment when your last breath is upon you, it will be clear that you cannot take any of the toys with you and the only thing that matters it the legacy you leave behind. That legacy is not the stuff you leave, rather, it is the person you were and the lives you touched, those you bettered.

Let me also encourage you to remember that the sense of “control” is an illusion. While at times we look at others and think, “They really have it together.”, in reality, none of us actually has mastery over our lives. Even the most hard charging, organized, successful, and focused of people do not have it all figured out. In fact, as many studies and as practical life demonstrates, a large number of super-focused people are quite insecure and are attempting to charge through life in an attempt to validate themselves in the eyes of someone else. Such an approach leads to extreme forms of emotional fragility, and often leads to very tumultuous relationships. The appearance of control is often a mirage. Many at the top of the “ladder” are very lonely, hardened, and calloused people. Many who have climbed their way up, though having vaults full of money and garages overflowing with toys, are bankrupt of soul.

Also, control, in the ultimate sense is not at all in our hands. Who among us can control whether or not we are stricken with cancer? There are many tales of those who lived right, ate right, and exercised right, and yet, came down with a terminal case. Bad things happen, even to good people. Likewise, super-hero or not, all among us, regardless of success, are a heartbeat or breath away from death. Tim Russert, the well respected journalist, is a case in point. It can happen in an instant. Our jobs, cars, homes, families, and bank accounts are no match for Death. When he comes we find ourselves incapable of withstanding the blow.

Now let’s get practical, and a bit theological. The sense of “control” you speak about, I believe, is more a quest to find “what” you are supposed to be about. For those who do not find their compass in God’s call for them, there always remains a sense that something is out of place, missing. So, I would suggest to you that you be aware that it is a “place” you are looking for and not control over life as you are now living it. As I have said many times, and as Augustine penned many years ago, we will never find that place until we find ourselves in Him. Augustine suggested, “We shall find no rest until our hearts rest in thee, O God.”

In coming to God as we are and in offering Him the controls of our lives we find our purpose and place. When we allow Him to define the particulars in our lives, who we love, how we love, the work we do, the things we aspire to, …life seems to make sense. Life never feels as if we have it all figured out, and we certainly never get to a place where we have it all under our control. In coming to God for our place, we come to see that control is in His hands. His control may take us through many a tumultuous season for a bigger purpose, in fact. His control is for the good of the world, not our cravings. And His control is above and beyond our planning abilities. His control redefines how we view life, and how we view ourselves.

Control, as you speak of it, is a spiritual reality in God’s economy. There are indeed things we can do to be responsible, to move ahead, and to forge a more deliberate life. Yet, if these things are pursued apart from our place in Him, we will remain uneasy. As many a headline has revealed, all the accolades, power, position, and riches in the world cannot replace what we find only in a relationship with God, through Jesus Christ.

Find your place in Him, and allow Him to direct the remainder of your days. He may bring you to a new career, a new strategy for relating to others, new patterns of behavior, or any number of new things. What you can be assured of is that He who makes all things new can and will birth a new hope in you for the future. He may bring you to increasing levels of professional focus, or He may pull you out of your current environment all together. He may bring you to ever increasing riches or He may lead you to a place of lesser means. He may keep you where you are or He may take you to a new land. Many a great story and triumph have begun where an individual traded  personal “trophies” and personal comfort for a divine adventure.  Wherever the compass may point, the important thing is not your control over the details, but His place in your heart. From that place all direction and ultimate purpose come forth.

You are asking for greater control, but I humbly submit that what you are craving is a more sure sense of place. That place we all crave is actually a person, Jesus Christ. This was the reality that C.S. Lewis came to embrace as God was calling Lewis to Himself. He wrote, “I thought I was coming to a place (religion, moral insight), but what I found is that I was coming to a person.”

God is in control. We are not. He is the place our hearts long for. Start there, and the journey begins.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

Posted in Dear Bruce | No Comments »