Dear Bruce, “How do I find balance?”

26. May 2009 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I have recently come to a place in my life where I recognize I need to find a greater sense of “balance”.  The short version of my story is as follows:

I grew up always hungering for the day when I would prove to everyone that I am “somebody”.  Over the years I have done everything I had to in order to be a somebody.  I guess I defined that as achieving certain things in life.  Sometimes it was being a stand out in school, later it was a good job, more recently promotions, titles, bigger house, a second house, bigger bank accounts, and as much sex and pleasure as I want.  No rules, just more of what I want, and no one to answer to.  I thought this is what it meant to “make it”.  I am beginning to wonder.  Somewhere along the way, though I have tried to hide it from myself, and everyone else, I have grown to despise the person I am.  I have everything most people aspire to, but somehow I am empty.  Can a person actually be bored with success and pleasure?  It seems that is all I think about and I am bored with it.  How do I find some sort of balance, spiritual balance in my life?

Paul.

Paul,

Your story is one I have gotten many letters on.  There are untold numbers of people who are living the same reality in our culture.  Actually, it is a common “sense” for many regardless of class or accomplishment.  I will answer your question directly, personally, and by sharing one very emotional and spiritually potent story.

I grew up playing the game of tennis.  I am convinced it is the most beautiful game in all of athletics.  The agility needed to reach a high level of expertise on the tennis court requires many things; speed, power, timing, decision-making, technique, consistency, footwork, reaction time, and agility, just to name a few.  But, perhaps, beyond all other things needed, BALANCE, is critical to every shot, stroke, set-up, follow through, and point.  Your question was about balance, so I will answer it from that vantage point using the metaphor of tennis to illustrate.

Growing up playing the game, I have always tried to study and emulate those who had the purest form of the game.  For a recent figure who embodies the art and beauty of tennis as it was meant to be played we need only look to Roger Federer.  His game is a picture of all I described above, and the image of artistic balance on the court.  People are so attracted to his game because of the fluidity which begins with his perfect balance.  Life is very much this way.

For whatever reason, though I was denied many other gifts, God seemed fit to give me a good bit of athletic ability.  I feel most alive (outside of family, writing and ministry activities) when I am competing athletically.  And for me, its not true athletic competition unless I have mastered the game and played it as it ought to be played.  I want to win, but I don’t want to win ugly.  My motto is “win pretty”.  For me, that is just a simple way of saying, “If you are going to play the game, play it the way it ought to be played”.  

Recently, I had one of the best compliments paid to me that I have ever received while playing tennis.  At 40 years old now, with many a broken body part, and a step slower than I used to be, I still love the game, and still aim to play it as it ought to be played.  However, I am less confident I do that from day to day at the level I desire.  But while playing not too long ago, a tennis professional (who has been coaching high level, even tour level players for 30 years) came over to my court to encourage me, saying, “Of all the places I have taught over the years, and all the players I have seen, I have to tell you, your game is the most beautiful I have seen anywhere”.  With my head swelling so much its a miracle I could walk through the gate, they continued, “…what is so pretty about your game is that each stroke is hit like it is meant to be hit, “, and with my head now about to burst, “…what I think it is, is the balance.  You look so perfectly at ease, at balance, on every ball no matter where it is, no matter how far you have to run”.  

Now, I know you are thinking, “This guy is full of crap! …and himself!”, but stay with me.  There is a point and its not about me or my tennis game.  The sense of joy I walked away from the court with was not due to someone recognizing me, rather, it was about “playing the game as it ought to be played”.  That is my goal on the court.  That is the goal for all of us in whatever we do, isn’t it?  It should be.  And I think its the question you are asking in regard to life.  If I can paraphrase you, you seem to be asking, “How do I adjust my stroke (life) in a way that enables me to get it right, to live the way I ought to live?”  And interestingly enough, you mention, in your question, the answer; balance.  We all seem to know inherently that life is not about obsession with one thing.  We seem to just understand that balance is critical if we want the beautiful life.  Like the beautiful game, this does not just happen.  We must will it, and make a practice of it.  Balance is decision, practice, desire, and quest all wrapped in one.  

By balance, what I mean here is that ability which enables you to play each life situation as it is meant to be played.  Balance is what allows you in tennis to set up for each stroke, to arrive at each stroke, to swing fully on each stroke, and to maximize each shot.  This is true of life as well.  The proper balance (more in this in a moment) in life is what prepares you for maximum competitive performance.  Balance comes from forward thinking.  “O.k., if I slide into this shot (decision), it will leave me set up to run back this way for the next one…”.  Its kinda like setting up in billiards for the next four shots.  Its not all about the craving of the moment.  

What I do not mean by “balance”, so you know, is some sense of, “Hey, take it easy. Just don’t over do it, man.  Don’t be fanatical.  Just have a little balance”.  That is not the aim here.  Rather, the balance I am speaking of, that which offers you the beautiful life you want, is the balance illustrated in the following story which I heard Ravi Zacharias share some time ago.  It is actually a balance whereby we recognize our need for God’s support, poise, and strength in our life.  

Ravi tells the story of two friends of his who decide to adopt a child.  After some soul searching and discussion they decided that Romania was the place they were called to search for their new addition to the family.  So, as the day came, and the trip unfolded to pick up their new little boy, in order to prepare the wife brought along a Romanian bible just in case.  

Upon arriving at the orphanage, and after spending time with a number of kids, the husband and wife were drawn to one little boy in particular.  George, as he was called, was the orphan God was calling them to parent.  What is interesting about this is that no one else seemed to want George.  His own mother thought he was, perhaps, cursed by God.  If fact, many in the community felt the same way, working on the false assumption that any child with no arms, as George was, must be cursed by God, and unwanted by others.

The couple, however, was resolute and determined that this was the child God had for them.  George’s mother, assuming maybe the parents were taking him back to the states for genetic testing or something , asked the parents, “Why do you want this boy, my boy, to go home with you.  What are you going to do with him?”  The wife, unable to speak Romanian, simply opened the Romanian bible she brought with her, and read from Psalm 139 which speaks of our being, even George’s being, “fearfully and wonderfully made”.  The little boy’s mom, recognizing that God was providing a gift for this little boy, and amidst tears, held out George to his new parents and said, “Then I know he will be blessed in your home”.

Ravi goes on to tell how precious this little boy is.  He tells how George, when he is placed into someone’s arms in order to be held, buries his face in their face, and his chest in their chest, in order to support himself.  Because the little guy has no arms, his only way to balance himself is to fall headlong into the chest and face of the one who is holding him.  He must trust them fully to support and embrace him.  He has recognized his inability to balance himself without help, and he has surrendered his heart and care to those who seek to hold on to him.

Paul,  I would submit to you that this is the picture of the beautiful life.  For those of us who have sought to find life apart from being held in God’s arms for our support and balance, this is a lesson we must embrace.  I hunger to play the game of tennis as it ought to be played.  I recognize that it all comes down to balance.  In the game of life, if we are to live the life God offers us, we must lose ourselves in His embrace, let go of our own agenda, and fall headlong into his arms and care.  As I write this I am watching the French Open Grand Slam.  On the “red clay” of the French Open it is common tennis knowledge that in order to be effective over the two weeks of the tournament one must have a set of strong legs and superior balance.  Sliding into the shot is critical for success on the clay.  But, the trick is, successful sliding requires letting go of oneself just when the natural tendency is to tighten up and protect oneself.  To slide correctly a player has to commit to the slide and then just let it happen once it starts.  If done right, its a simple but artistically beautiful thing to watch.  For a tennis purest, this is as close as it gets to feeling like you are “walking on water”.  

This is how it is to lose oneself, one’s agenda, in pursuit of the beautiful life.  We must let go and fully commit ourselves and our future to God.  Just as George has no arms to support himself, we handicap ourselves as we clinch, grasp, and lock ourselves onto things which keep us from the beautiful life God offers.  When you lock up when sliding on clay a train wreck is the only option.  When we lock onto life with no recognition that God is our guide we abandon our very source of balance and life is headed for a crash.

If you truly want the life you ask about, Paul, you will find it in no other place.  Apart from the all-sufficient embrace of God, life lacks meaning, purpose, beauty, and balance.  Let go of the search for “you” and the quest for pleasure.  We live in a world falling off the beam, a world which has lost all sense of balance.  We live in a world weary of pleasure.  In the purest sense, Christ is your balance.  Fall headlong into the purposes and pleasure of God just as George must fall into the embrace of those who have his best interest in mind.

Find yourself Him.

Bruce

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