Dear Bruce, “I have teenagers…help!”

21. July 2009 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I have teenagers!  Help!  O.k., seriously, I am a single mom, have teenagers, college students, and have been wrestling with how I offer my kids reasonable freedom and yet draw Godly boundaries as well.  How do I find the balance between allowing them to work out their faith, and yet keep good goals, direction, and focus in front of them?  When they were much younger I set guidelines for entertainment, activities with friends, how we conduct ourselves in the home and elsewhere, etc., but now that they are near adulthood, I find it harder to know where my role should be strong, and where I have to let them go it alone.  I want to be a friend to them, but realize I also need to be a leader and parent for them.  Any pointers?

Thanks,

Samantha 

Samantha,

I have to tell you, it is encouraging to get such a letter from a reader.  I wish all parents were eager and ready to fulfill the role you are embracing wholeheartedly.  First of all, your goal seems to be right on track, and I think you have a pretty good compass for the task.  You seem to realize that as your kids are growing into adulthood, you have to give them some freedom (with input) to find their own way.    Many parents make the mistake of doing one of two things: 1. they totally control every movement of their kids or 2. they let the kids do whatever they want with no input.  

Parents that choose the former option run the risk of setting up their kids for bitterness, rebellion or dependency.  Parents that choose the later route run the risk of setting up their kids for a no holds barred approach to life, thought, and conduct.  The key is to balance between giving Godly counsel, direction, and feedback, while allowing them to process and work through how that feedback/direction impacts how they live.  You have to share with them why life according to God’s plan is the best way to fulfillment, and you have to give them room to learn that as they apply it or fail to apply it.  Cheer them on when they get it right, exercise discipline, correction, and grace when they don’t. 

Parents who give no boundaries to older teenagers and college students are allowing the culture, friends, and other influences to direct their kids.  That never works out well!  Parents who control every movement for older teens and college students are forcing their kids to live a life they have not chosen on their own.  That does not work either!  Openness about our own failures and lessons learned as parents can be helpful, and a willingness to hear and be compassionate with our kids when they fail is critical.  We have to affirm God’s best, and we have to affirm our kid’s individuality and personal responsibility.  And when big moments come, and major crossroads are at stake, we have to make it very clear, plain, direct, and convincing.  We cannot afford to be so hands off that we allow our kids to get too far down a broken path, one where recovery becomes exceedingly hard and damage is severe.  This is true of any good relationship by the way.   Be attentive, aware, and engaged.  Get in their face when you need to…it is loving.

Above all, our own lives must be a proper reflection of the life God calls all people to live.  He does have standards.  His standards are life giving and are there to set us free for a full life.  Someone recently said to me, “When God gives us a commandment He is setting us free!”  That is completely true.  To the extent our lives demonstrate this, it is more likely that our kids will run toward such a life.  Personally, I came to faith and became convinced of the life of faith after watching authentic christians live fulfilling lives over a period of years.  In my teen years it became clear to me, “That is the life I want.”  

As our kids see the joy, contentment, peacefulness, and pleasure of living a life that honors God, in us as parents, they will be increasingly drawn to Him and His agenda for them.  So, ask yourself if you are living the kind of life He has called you to first of all.  Does your everyday life clearly match up with the life you encourage them to live?  Does the person you present on Sunday at church match the person you are in daily life?  To the extent it does, again, your kids and young adults will want more of it.  Is your aim to live according to God’s standard for speech, entertainment, relationships, work ethic, community building, church involvement, etc.?  Again, your kids notice these things.  And they are quick to point out the inconsistencies!  

Parenting is a pleasure, and a responsibility.  Be aware of this, and allow your kids to know you understand this.  They need to know you take pleasure in the task, in them, and they need to know you are responsible before God to direct them, care for them, and lead them.  Ultimately, you answer to God for how you lead your kids.  

Its hard to realize they have grown up and are about to be out on their own.  I am living through that reality now with older teenagers.  Do all you can in light of God’s truth, pray for them, love them, extend grace to them, and be there for them.  And then, trust that God is the one who loves them even more than you, and the one who is with them every step of the way calling them, leading them, correcting them, and drawing them.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org 

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