Crashing into Newness

24. July 2009 by BruceSmith.

Crashing into Newness

I wanted to be someone

So I acted like everyone else.

I wanted to be seen,

So I dressed like everyone else.

I wanted to be known,

So I went where everyone else went.

I wanted to be liked

So I liked what everyone else liked.

I wanted to be popular

So I sought to make everyone laugh with me.

I wanted to be desired

So I danced for them all.

I wanted to feel loved

So I gave my body away.

I wanted to feel clean

So I eased my pain and numbed my mind.

I wanted to escape my past

So I lived only in the moment.

I wanted to hurt my parents

So I hurt myself.

I wanted to prove myself to everyone

So I loved no one.

I wanted to find my way

So I chose every way.

Now what?

This is my cry.

I wake up confused

I fall asleep in sorrow.

I spend my days in an empty fog

I waste my nights following fun like a dog.

None of it works

None of it matters.

My soul is dry

My heart is still broken.

Real love has not found me

Nor have I offered it.

The someone I have become

Is no one I care to see.

My family is broken, shattered

Just like my heart.

I have left no mark on this glorious and wounded world

I am merely marred, and wrecked.

No one really knows I am here

And why should they?

I live for me

I love only me.

In the eyes of others 

There is only a mirror.

In the pain of others

I only hear my own scream.

Me, Me, Me

The only person I see.

Will this last forever

Will I die drowning in the pit of Me?

Is there an escape from this darkness

This long bleak night of my soul?

Like a shout into the silence

I heard your sweet whisper today!

“Come to me, you who are weary,

And I will give you rest”

“Take my yoke upon you, 

my burden is light”

“Come, find ease and rest,

and comfort for your soul”

“I will give you rest”.

How did you know?

How did you know I was alone

Alone in a crazy and crowded world?

I did not think anyone knew I was crying

I lived for years thinking only I really saw it.

Could I have walked with you years ago

Could I have experienced this divine intimacy all along?

Were you offering me healing and help

all along the way?

How could I have missed it?

Remove the lens that allows me to only see my plight

Give me newness of sight.

Release me from the compulsion for bold independence

Set me free to live for you and others.

Birth the Psalmist’s refrain in me

“Your statutes are like pure gold”

Teach me your love and truth

Which is like honey from the comb.

Light my path

Every moment.

Enable me to live, and to dance

In the glow of your light and truth.

May I know, from tip to toe

That your love and your truth are my freedom, my release, my joy.

Set me ablaze with grace

Let me breath again, for the first time.

Here I am, all of me

I am yours.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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