Dear Bruce, A Love Worth Having

19. August 2009 by BruceSmith.

A LOVE WORTH HAVING 

 

Dear Bruce,

I have a relationship question.  I am “middle-aged”, now single, have been in an out of relationships too many times, and am searching for something real, lasting, and fulfilling.  I have tried to be so many different things in so many different relationships that I am not sure who I am or who I am supposed to be.  I have also looked for so many different things in various men that I am not sure what I am to be looking for in a man anymore.  I am tired of the dating scene, its shallow and selfish pursuits, and I want a family, a true family more than anything.  How do I find it?

Thanks for your help,

Sally

Sally,

Thank you for being so open and honest about your search.  Because we live in a culture where too many are looking for all the wrong things it can be hard to see through the fog and find meaningful relationships.  As a single dad of three myself, and also “middle aged”, I can relate to your desires and questions.  Because I believe the family is the center of God’s plan for us, I am going to take some time to answer your question.  

I think the answer is simple, but not easy.  First of all, we have to be willing to ask ourselves, “Am I the kind of person who, by virtue of who I am and what I pursue, that would attract the kind of mate that would be a loving, mature, and lasting partner?”  It begins with me, in other words.  Second, we have to know what that partner should look like from an internal perspective.  That is to say, we need to know what kind of person is best set up for meaningful, rich, deep, nurturing love.  There are characteristics which lend themselves to relational fulfillment.  The problem is, too few of us strive to be that kind of person.  And far to few of us look for relationships with those kinds of people.

So, let me point you to a passage in the Bible, usually referenced as a character survey for women, but which in reality, is a passage filled with wisdom for both men and women.  Its Proverbs 31, and is usually referred to as the passage which describes the Woman of Noble Character or the Woman of Godly Character or the Woman Who Fears the Lord.  

Proverbs 31, which no doubt, describes a truly beautiful and desirable woman, actually points to the kind of manhood which is ideal as well.  In fact, the part of the proverb which is most often ignored (the first 9 verses) is character building wisdom for a man.  The proverb, which is self described as an oracle, the words of King Lemuel, taught to him by his mother, is a profound call to wisdom for both men and women when it comes to relationships and what we are to seek out.

This mother, whose goal it was to see her son married and happy, communicates values to her son which are still exceedingly relevant today.  First off, she begins with a question that anyone who has teenagers will be familiar with, “What are you doing?!!!”

Its a question of perplexed frustration.  The son has missed it, and now she is going to set him straight on what it means to be a man and what he should be looking for in a woman.  She is telling her son, “You are an immature boy, looking for all the wrong kind of women.  Stop already!  If you want to be happy and fulfilled, listen up!  I am going to tell you who you need to be and what kind of woman you should be looking for.”

First off she tells her son not to give his strength to women or his ways to women who destroy kings.  In the jargon of our day she is saying stop jumping in and out of bed with everyone you meet.  You, like many a man, many a politician, and so many others, are going to be ruined by your reckless fun.  She is telling her son to keep his pants on.  Sexual promiscuity leads to nothing but empty, confused, and broken relationships.  Problems galore, a lack of trust and trustworthiness, and internal conflicts are the reward.  

She then goes on to tell her son, if he is to be a man worthy of relationships then he must have a focus on the needs of others.  “Get over yourself!”, she is telling him.  One of the marks of manhood is compassion for others, and a generous spirit toward other human beings.  Contrary to the messages of our day, otherness is a virtue desirable in a man.  The man who only wants to dominate, control, win at all costs, and promote himself, is nothing more than an overgrown toddler.  Real men, men worth pursuing, are full of love, devotion, caring, gentleness, and truth.  “Be a man!”, the wise mother is telling her son.  Fight for the lives of the downtrodden, give yourself and your treasure to lift others up, do good, pursue righteousness, help the poor, care for the widow, use your position and speak up for the needy.  

This is a wise mother.  She knows that if her boy will be this kind of man, then his chances of attracting the wife of noble character will increase exponentially.  With that in mind, she turns her attention to the kind of woman her son should desire.

Verses 10–31 of Proverbs 31 do indeed offer a wonderful picture of the most desirable of women.  Honestly, I don’t know a sincere and Godly man who, if he was who God was calling him to me, would not hunger and thirst for this kind of woman.  The woman described by this loving mother is one that every man should look for and invest himself in.  Let’s take a look at her.

First off, mom says, “There are very few of these women out there, son.  You are going to have to take your time, and look far and wide.”  Verse one reads, “An excellent wife who can find?”  Sobering, and true.  There are very few of these, as there are too few real men.  Her point is clear, a women worth marrying will take time and effort to find, and a man must be determined, patient, and resolute.  Women, you must recognize how precious you will become as a person and as a desirable mate as you commit yourself to the Proverbs 31 model.  In fact, mom goes on to tell her son just this.  “She is far more precious than jewels”.  

This mom, who hungers for her son to know lasting love, is telling him just how unique a Godly woman is.  She is of inestimable worth.  Nothing compares.  

“You won’t find her, son, in the local party house, the bar scene, the strip club, and the other places you have been looking.  She is not the women you see on TV, she is not the fantasy you see on the internet.  Those women are a dime a dozen.  This woman, the woman worth having is giving herself to other things while the rest are just following the crowd.  Like a treasure hunter searching for fine jewels, you must seek her out in the right places.”

So, from here the wise mother goes on to describe the wife worth having for her son.  Notice, first off, however, that she begins with the foundation of trust.  After telling her son that few of these women exist, and after raising the bar on her high value, her first statement is this, “The heart of her husband trusts in her”.  Wow.  

Men, do you want a life of depth, contentment, and meaning when it comes to relationships?  Find the woman, the rare woman, who will fill you with trust.  When you find her, do the same for her.  Women, do you want to live in the kind of lasting and passionate love most people only dream of?  Then build yourself into the woman of God described here, and build a foundation of trust beneath your man.  You don’t get there by allowing relational lines to be blurred.  You don’t get there allowing flirting any room in your life.  Your love, commitment and intentions must be honest and clear.  

The next few verses describe this noble wife’s commitment to her family.  She rises early to care for her family.  She does her part to make sure the family knows that they are her priority.  She works to insure that her first aim is the contentment of those around her, and she takes joy in the process of providing this kind of dedication to her family.  Her household is the place of her deepest longing.

We are also told in the following verses that she uses her mind and her resources wisely.  Her time is used for good, her money for accomplishing the goals of the family, and she longs to meet the needs of others.  This is a picture of a women who is out from in front of the TV and active in the lives her family, of others and her community.  She is expanding her intellect, her business and relational acumen, and she is creative and artistic.  She is living life to the full and doing it in the context of family life and community building.  She is caring for the poor and needy like the man of character.  Can you imagine the power of a man and woman on the same page with these things?

We are told also that she pays attention to her appearance.  She, apparently, knows how to select fine garments, and she and her family are looking pretty dapper by biblical world standards.  She has taste, and she takes care of her body and appearance.  But beyond that, verse 25 suggests that her real clothing is “strength and dignity”.  She apparently dresses with an eye toward beauty, but also modesty and class.  She is viewed as that rare unique woman who just gets it in the right balance.  Her beauty is there, but she is not calling people, by her presentation, to merely view her physically.

Verse 25 also suggests she is a woman not overcome by worry, “She laughs at things to come”.  This is the picture of a woman who trusts that the future is in God’s hands.  She is a model of trusting faith.  Verse 26 suggests she speaks with wisdom, and kindness is the defining virtue of her speech.  She is a woman whose manner and speech is restrained, and void of useless verbage.  She is a picture of and a mouthpiece of grace and dignity.  Her tongue is used to build up and to enrich the lives of others.  She is not coarse or harsh.  Grace in all things.

What is the payoff for such a life?  The wise mother, again, answers the question for her son in verse 28, “Her children rise up and called her blessed”.  A woman who lives this way will draw attention, the attention of onlookers, and the inspired attention of her children.  Again, she is rare, too rare, and so we all take note of her.  Moreover, the mom suggests to her son, “Her husband also, he praises her”.  Men, I will tell you, real men, Godly men, are undone by this kind of woman.  She is irresistible in the right context.  She cannot be ignored.  She will be pursued, and by the right man, in the right way.  Husbands will long for their wives who live this way.

Sally, the goal for each of us, men and women, is to be the person He has called us to be.  We are not perfect, and we certainly will not attain all of this in every situation all the time.  But the tone of our lives and our aim shines through in all we do and say.  If our passion is to be these things described in Proverbs 31 then we are far more likely to draw the kind of person to ourselves that will enable us to experience the kind of married life God had in mind from the beginning.  

The extent to which we live in this reality will largely determine the kind of relational life we have.  We live in a culture which tells us to look a certain way, dress a certain way, give ourselves freely, make it about us, and live for the moment.  The wise mother instructs her children and all of us to live for a higher calling.  

There are many fish in the sea, as has been said.  There are many physically attractive or otherwise attractive potential partners out there.  However, beauty fades and charm is deceitful as verse 30 suggests.  “…but a woman who loves and pursues the Lord is to be praised (and sought)”.  This is the message of this remarkable mom for her son in Proverbs 31.  The son is to long to be a real man, and he is to search for that rare and surpassingly beautiful woman of God if he is to experience true relational fulfillment. 

Sally, if you want all you seem to want, you need to look no further than Proverbs 31 for a roadmap.  Look for the man who is more than an overgrown toddler, and be the woman worth pursuing.  I am betting, in so doing, you will find a love for the ages.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

soulstormsite.com

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