22. August 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I am a mess of a person.  I have made many bad choices in my life and have lots of pain in my life to show for it.  Because I have lived a life choosing my plan before God’s plan, I am not even sure God still has a plan for me.  Is there a future worth looking forward to for someone like me?  Or do I just have to accept I will live the rest of my life, because of my poor choices, in a state of mediocrity at best?

John

John,

Heartfelt questions, ones which I think all of us can closely identify with.  Let me, from the start, make you keenly aware that the Gospel, the message of Jesus’ teaching, is for people like you, me and the rest.  Biblically speaking, and as a practically observable reality, we have all made poor choices in our lives.  Even some of the heroes of faith we often look to for inspiration have made royally poor choices.  Moses-murderer.  David-murderer and adulterer.  Paul-murderer of Christians.  The list could go on…one liar, thief, trickster, moral failure after another.  That is not to say that some don’t obviously choose to live in a pattern of persistent failure.  Many do, sadly.  The Gospel message and the message of Jesus’ life and teaching, however, are all about bringing mercy and grace to those who have seen themselves bring pain into their lives.

Last week, on my radio show “Think Out Loud” (wgso.com) I addressed this reality as we discussed various scandals in the political arena and in public life in general.  As humans, we are prone to make a mess of things.  Adultery, greed, lust, violence, thievery, falsehood, anger, and so  many more ills infect us.  When we come to a place where we are willing to admit to ourselves, to God, and to others that we are in need of mercy and renewal, that is where the road to healing begins. Paul, who was transformed from a killer of Christians to a hero of the Church is famous for his cries to God to help him deal with the allure of sin which caused him to do all those things he wished not to do.  Too often, Paul commented, he was prone to do the bad he did not want to do, and found himself too often unable to do the good which he longed to do.  We are all in the same place.

The good news, it would appear, is that you have finally come to a place where you recognize that your choices are not merely choices.  You seem to have admitted to yourself and perhaps to God that your missteps have been moral failings, breeches of God’s best for you.  In coming to that place, and in openly acknowledging that you have failed to live up to God’s agenda for you, you can ask for and expect His mercy.  He is about mercy.

My encouragement to you at this point in your life would be to take stock of the condition of your heart, ask God and others for forgiveness and healing where you have failed Him and others, and begin to make a grace-filled, concerted effort to allow God to show you where He desires to lead you for the duration of the journey.  Ask Him for His help where you know you are prone to weakness, and allow Him to use your strengths to further His work in you and others.

In relationships, work, play, and in the fabric of our thought-life, hopes, and dreams, God desires to offer His good and best purposes for us.  Abandon the thirst for putting Him off and open yourself to making His Plan A your Plan A.  So many have brought untold difficulty into their lives as a result of expecting God to bless their agenda.  Your “Plan B” can never match the good God offers in His plans, and He is not about blessing our misguided attempts to live life in a way that contradicts who He is and what He is about.  Though many try, and try hard time after time, our Plan B will never bring us the fulfillment we are looking for.

Take heart.  You will never be good enough to earn your way to God.  You will never climb a moral ladder high enough to please Him.  Its not about that.   Its about a trusting relationship with the lover of your soul.  You have failed and will fail again.  In those times in which you do just that in the future, run back to the compelling, tangible, vivid, artistic, and life-giving demonstration of God’s love which is the cross of Christ.  And, rather than making the cross into something of your own design (like so many in our culture are prone to do, abusing the image of the cross and turning it into a formula for financial success or an impotent bejeweled ornament of comfort and even sexuality for some) fall upon that image of mercy and grace and power.  In the mess of our lives we all find the healing, perspective, and future we hunger for at the foot of the cross, the beautiful cross.

Find yourself in Him,

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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15. August 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I have been really challenged by many of your writings and the call to embrace a different sort of life.  Like most people, I tend to view life from a day to day perspective and don’t really look at life in terms of doing anything particularly great.  And I certainly don’t look at life in light of eternity on a regular basis.

Trouble is, for me, I get so lost in the routine and trying to stay afloat, that I just cannot see myself actually creating, let alone working toward, a strategic plan focused on a new life.  I am good at business, and am fairly smart, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not living up to my potential or “calling” as you put it.

Simply put, I think I am at a point in my life where I do want something different, but I am not sure what it is or how to begin.  I just sort of know that I want something more.  I want to do and be something more.  So, how do I get there from here?

Ed

Ed,

Great letter.  Huge questions.  Real life reality.  Many, I believe, are right where you are.  Just today I ran into a friend who had moved away for some time and has recently come back to town with his wife and kids.  The guy, who has done very well in business for some time, is moving back in order to do “something different”.  The adventure he and his family are just starting is an admirable one, but a very tough one.  They are starting a church!  As he put it, “If I were not called to do this, I am not so sure I would be altering my life like I am in order to get after it.”  As I former church planter myself, I encouraged him with these words, “If you are called to it, you will be miserable not doing it.  If you are not called to it…RUN FOR THE DOORS NOW!”

What is important here is to point out the significance of life altering decisions which determine how we live, who we impact, and how our lives play out.  This guy and his family have no “need”, other than the need to do what they were  meant to do, to be on such a journey.  Business and the good life were plenty entertaining enough.  However, what they have learned, and what we all learn at some point, is that ease, comfort, and passivity can only last so long.  Eventually, we all stand before the proverbial mirror to our souls, and we are confronted with the stark reality that this is not all there is.  There must be more.  It is then that a desire to live a larger life begins to take shape.  Seems like you may be at that point.

So, on to your journey.  The only impulse, one which will last throughout the adventure and all its wonderful dangers, is a sense of being washed away (to keep with the Olympic water sport theme of the week) from something (your current approach to life) and to a new vision (a larger life).  If we are not caught up in the tide of God’s moving, it is doubtful that the swim to a better shore will amount to much.  When God is calling us to Himself and to certain visions for life, He captures us, He washes us away with the splendor of His plan for us.  Ask God for that kind of sense or leading for your life.  When you are so enamored with a life bigger than the one you can pull off on your own, you will feel washed away from the mundane daily sense of “So what?” and you will be swept up in the tidal wave of adventure God is calling you to.  Anything less leaves you open to the possibility of running out of gas midway through the swim and calling for a life preserver as you struggle for your life in the waters of indifference.

In order to help you a bit more I am attaching a section from my book, Soul Storm (www.soulstormsite.com) which addresses this very theme.  Read about the life and music of John Coltrane and allow yourself to be swept away in the drama of God’s divine plan for your life.

Enjoy the read.

Washed Away

John Coltrane was a jazz master.  His accomplishments have reached beyond the realm of jazz and his recordings are studied by musicians of every stripe.  If you have ever taken time to listen to his work you know what it is to be washed away, lost, for a time.  “Train” or “Trane”, as he came to be known, pushed the envelope in the jazz world.  Always looking for a fresh sound, an innovative creation, Coltrane was perhaps, the hinge point for change in the jazz world.  His music registers on a different scale from the many jazz greats that had gone before or have come since.  John Coltrane’s ability with the saxophone is legendary as is his ability to carry listeners beyond what they have known or experienced.  Trane’s greatest achievement as a musician, is the highly regarded A Love Supreme.  Coltrane, himself, knew almost immediately that this was what his entire musical journey was leading up to.  He had come to know also, how far away he was from truly living life with passion, understanding and insight.  Leading up to the creation of this work Coltrane’s story was like too many we have heard about.  Fame, travel, money, the pursuit of pleasure, had all led to a life of addiction and desperation.  As the winds blew over the years the storm within his soul grew in intensity.  Eventually, the addictions, brokenness and strife washed over him and He made a turn, a change.  Out of this change, one of the most important contemporary musical contributions on record was birthed.  A Love Supreme spoke to him immediately, and has arrested hearers every since. 

A Love Supreme was born over a five day period in 1964.  John Coltrane had been going non-stop that year and had recently seen the birth of his first son.  Taking a few weeks away from his brutal schedule and planning to spend time with wife and child, Coltrane got away from it all.  He took his wife and son to their new home and planned to kick back for awhile.  Then “the work” came calling.  Amidst the joy and expectation of having a newborn son, John Jr., came the birth of another creation.  This new birth would be the crowning achievement of his musical life and would demonstrate a new found desire to leave his old life behind in pursuit of the divine call to a higher life.  His new artistic creation would be a marvelous, poetic, heart stirring jazz tribute to God.  After those five days of seclusion in a separate part of the house John Coltrane came back to earth a different man.  His wife knew something different had taken place.  Ashley Kahn, in the introduction to his book on John Coltrane, titled after Trane’s most famous work, records Alice Coltrane’s remarks,

It was like Moses coming down from the mountain, it was so beautiful.  He walked down and there was that joy, that peace in his face, tranquility.  So I said, ‘Tell me everything, we didn’t see you really for four or five days…’  He said, ‘This is the first time that I have received all of the music for what I want to record, in a suit.  This is the first time I have everything, everything ready.”

This work, written as a tribute to God, became a best seller as soon as it hit the stores.  Its impact still reaches listeners today.  Musicologists, musicians, music lovers can tell of their first encounters with this amazing work.  Ashley Kahn, points to a few of the memorable recollections of first-timers,

The first time I heard A Love Supreme, it really was an assault.  It could’ve been from Mars as far as I was concerned, or another galaxy.  I remember the album cover and name, but the music didn’t fit into the patterns of my brain at that point.  It was like someone trying to tell a monkey about spirituality or computers, you know, it just didn’t compute.  (Carlos Santana)

I was at the top of the Grand Hotel in Chicago [on tour in 1987] listening to A Love Supreme and learning the lesson of a lifetime.  Earlier I had been watching televangelists remake God in their own image: tiny, petty, and greedy.  Religion has become the enemy of God, I was thinking…religion was what happened when God, like Elvis, has left the building.  I knew from my earliest memories that the world was winding in a direction away from love and I too was caught in its drag.  There is so much wickedness in the world but beauty is our consolation prize…the beauty of John Coltrane’s reedy voice, its whispers, its knowingness…Coltrane began to make sense to me.  I left the music on repeat and I stayed awake listening to a man facing God with the gift of his music.” (Bono, Lead Singer U2)

Just as Santana, Bono, and many others have gotten washed away to another place while listening to Coltrane’s work, so we too can be carried away by the Master’s purposes. 

The experience of Coltrane moving on from a life of addiction and despair toward something more birthed a musical achievement that will live on for time to come.  His willingness to hear, listen, and respond to God stirring him, moving him, and offering him a better life provided all of us something of beauty we can appreciate.  Had he chosen to stay where he was, living in what he had previously known, we would be without this great work.  And the same is true of us.  When we are brought to that “moment”, that fork in the road, that turning point, we must pursue the route that God assures us is for an enlarging of the borders of our heart.  Moving on and allowing God to wash away what we formerly knew is critical to our future.  Like Santana, though we may not at first see the patterns in the music, in time we can come to recognize the value of God’s plan.  In the wash cycle of God’s work, we find a life clean, fresh, new, and more desirable.  When the old is gone and the new has come we understand what Coltrane intended in his titling his glorious work A Love Supreme.  It is the Creator’s supreme love that gives our lives direction.  The supreme love of God is where we find a life worth living.  In the stirrings of our lives we ought to look for the hand of God seeking to lead us to a better place.  Washed away in the waters of His unending love we find ourselves carried away to new life.  Displacement of the life we once knew may be the very thing we need. 

Go get ‘em!

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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8. August 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I have been a believer now for about three years.  Before I came to faith I was, I guess, the typical modern person living from experience to experience, day to day, pleasure to pleasure, moment to moment.  Before I was a Christian I would just hang with my friends, go to a bar, experiment with various chemicals, “enjoy” sex, and just kinda live with a “If its what I want at the moment…I do it” sort of mindset.  Over the last three years, as a believer, I have found that my guidelines for living have become “abnormal” in the eyes of all my previous friends.  People tend to view me now as abnormal.  I don’t like the way that feels, but I do want to live like God desire me to live.  How do I make sense of this and process this mental/spiritual ordeal in a prudent way?

Is the Christian life about being abnormal?  Do I always have to look like the sore thumb in every “fun” situation?  What am I missing here?

Thanks for your insight,

Katie

Katie,

I love your honesty, transparency, and willingness to ask what many people deal with but never really voice.  Essentially, your question gets to the core of the faith walk, its motivation, its essence, and its aim.  Here is the good news: believers are the most “normal” people on earth!  For most of us, we tend to lose sight of the biblical call to “normal” in light of the scriptures which encourage us as “aliens” in this world.  We tend to see that the believer is called to be “different” from the rest of the world, but fail to realize that this difference takes us back to where God’s intentions began for humanity.

Let me explain.

What most of the world views as normal actually is severely abnormal, marred, broken.  In a recent Newsweek article I noticed a striking example of this reality.  Apparently Newsweek regularly runs a piece that is sort of a meter or gauge of cultural realities.  The piece actually is nothing more than a scale, drawn out like a time-line, with one side showing a moderate rating and on the far end an excessive rating.  In this particular issue the scale was evaluating the degree of moral failure in three particular current events.  On the moderate end, which was merely listed as morally “tacky” was Alex Rodriguez’s “serial adultery” which has been brought out in the Yankee star’s divorce filing.  On the “mid-level” scale the indicator pointed to Martin Bashir’s (a news co-anchor with one of the major network news shows) recent “caveman”-like, sexually laced comments about a certain popular female.  His comments were merely a joke it seems, but deemed more offensive than serial adultery.  On the severe end of moral failure, listed as a gross breech of morality and decency, and thought to be unthinkable, was a politically driven song by Ludacris which promotes Obama’s campaign.  The Newsweek article, this moral scale, suggests that the most offensive form of immorality in our culture, at this moment in our national development, is anything which would bring any hint of damage to a certain politician’s campaign.  In the writer’s opinion, apparently, despite the fact that Ludacris was actually promoting Obama, any hinted association between the rapper and Mr. Obama could only serve to damage rather than aid Obama’s campaign.  Such an act, unwarranted promotional evil, even though it’s intention was to aid the potential President, was viewed as the “wort kind of evil” by the magazine!  This is absolutely heinous and unforgivable in the eyes of the writer.

What I am getting at here is simply this; how the world views morality is not how God views morality.  We are called to see what God views as normal as normal.  In a world that places more value on successful political campaigns than it does marital fidelity, believers must have a much clearer view of how people are to live.  No party or political platform was ever intended to, nor can it, define ultimate reality.  Likewise, the general opinion of a culture is never to be our benchmark for living.  Though the average moral scale may appeal to the majority to be the best way to go, we must recognize that in reality such a guideline is abnormal.

Getting back to normal, something I have written at length about, is all about understanding why we were created and how we find the greatest sense of meaning, purpose, and peace in life.  That kind of life comes from an understanding of who God made us to be and how He intends for us to function.  While your friends may view sexual “freedom” and partying as the way to “happiness”, you must recognize that such an approach leads you far away from a life worth living as defined by God.  The proof is in the puddin, as they say.  In a culture where morals have been in decline for decades, while affluence and entertainment access have been sharply on the rise, we have seen an explosion in rates of depression, addictions, psychological illness, and general human failure.  More people are in counseling and rehab than ever, more relational distress exists, and personal isolation has shot up dramatically by all accounts.  We are not getting happier by experiencing more pleasure it would appear.  How  many high profile celebs must we see destroying their lives before we get the hint.  Life lived for pleasure does not end in pleasure.  For many, such a life, sadly, just ends.  For too many others such an approach to life actually leads to psychological, physical, relational, and moral imprisonment.

Lastly, if you want to see a vivid picture of “normal” with pristine clarity, and the kind of peace, love, and purpose it brings, simply do a study on the life of Christ.  He has been called, simply, Ecce Homo “The Man”.  Finding normal is found in beholding The Man.  He is the definitive look at what it means to be “normal” in God’s eyes.  Normal is what God intended, let’s not forget that.  Anything shy of God’s desire for us is deviant, off the mark, other than normal.  What we were intended to be is the norm from God’s perspective.  That kind of normal leads us to the kind of life we all crave.  Because we are all prone to the abnormal life of  sin quests of all sorts, we wind up less than what we could be.  That’s why Jesus came.  He came to offer a bridge back to normal, the original intention, communion with God, and proper community with others.  If you really want to find normal, study Him, apply the Ten Commandments, and embrace the Sermon on the Mount.  With regard to the latter, has there ever been a more counter-cultural, “abnormal” approach to living on this planet?  Yet, the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus’ great moral presentation, remains the benchmark for true living.

I can attest personally, as one who to some degree has lived an “abnormal” life as defined by society (I have had sex with one partner, my wife, and that only while married, in my lifetime, have never tried a drug of any sort, and desperately attempt to submit my life, thought, and actions to God daily) that the biblical quest for normal is the most fulfilling approach to life.  I am far from perfect, and fail regularly, but my deepest drive is to be all God has called me to be.  I am a single father of three, love parenting, and thoroughly enjoy my kids more than all other pursuits or activities.  I refuse to embrace any romantic relationship not in keeping with God’s agenda for me, and some time ago I walked away from a job which provided a very large income for me in order to write, speak, and teach others about finding God in a world of distractions.  I have been told regularly, “This is not normal”.  I share these things not to promote any high view of myself, and certainly do not think I have it all together, rather, I offer these realities simply to let you know, as a guy who could be viewed as completely “abnormal” by the cultural standard of measurement, that this kind of life is more thrilling, enjoyable, and purpose-filled than I could ever explain fully.  I am convinced that the pursuit of God is the quest for normal.  Anything else makes me less whole.  I have seen that it is the good life and it is worth pursuing.

Normal is found in Him.  Embrace, enjoy, and live in that reality and watch as your life becomes more than you could ever imagine.  Dare to be normal in His eyes!

Pursuing true normal,

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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25. July 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

What does a person do when despite all efforts to do good, be a friend, sacrifice, and otherwise put someone else first, they are yet perceived incorrectly and mistreated by someone they cared about?

How do we keep “turning the other cheek” when the person we offer our cheek to seems only to enjoy slapping us around?  At what point does a person stand up for what is right, and protect themselves from the abusive words or behavior of others?  Is there a time to say, “Enough is enough!”?

Please, give me some help here.

Brooke

Brooke,

We are, indeed, encouraged in the scriptures to “Turn the other cheek”.  We are also admonished to forgive not just seven times, but “Seventy times seven” which really means…keep doing it.  We are also told to “Live at peace with everyone as much as it depends upon you.”  That means, frankly, sometimes no matter how hard we try, the other guy/gal just does not want to live at peace with us.  So, the trick is to find which situation you are in and act accordingly.

In some situations, after careful thought and consideration the “heaping of burning coals” approach is the way to go.  That is to say, sometimes kindness will finally get that knucklehead’s attention.  At other times, after repeated attempts to demonstrate your care for someone and your desire to live at peace, you just have to say, “I am done with this…you refuse to allow me to make any progress in this situation…we cannot interact like this any more.  I am through until you are willing to help make things better.”

You have to be willing to be sensitive to God’s leading and truly honest with yourself as to what is going on so you can know which way to go.  At times our emotions, fears, urges, and pride can drive our desire to act certain ways.  Those realities can lead us to continue the fight when it should have been ended long ago.

At other times, our fears, insecurities, false humility, and emotional weakness can keep us from being as bold as we ought to be in a given situation.  Sometimes a straightforward telling of the truth is the only way to go.  Often this is what a person needs.  While not easy at first it can help people come to terms with important issues that are affecting their lives.

I have been in both situations and have seen God do really neat things when I took His way through the ordeal.  Not too long ago I stuck with a situation in which I knew I had to keep persevering and keeping taking the blows until something broke…and it finally did.  A relationship was healed and a friendship was maintained.  I was a little sore after the floggings, but I was a better person at the end of it for having endured the situation.

I also recently had to very forthrightly tell someone that they were way off base, totally misinterpreting a situation, and that their behavior was jeopardising our relationship, communication, and fellowship with God.  I have had to do this in the context of relationships, business, ministry, and parenting.  Being a confrontation-averse person by nature, its not always easy, but I always see God’s hand at work when I step up and do it His way.

So, figure out, with God’s leading, which kind of situation you are in.  Be aware of what you are bringing to the situation whether good or bad.  Exercise a little cheek courage where its needed or “man up” on the tough love thing a bit if that’s the play.  Either way, as you step out appropriately, chances are that you and the relationship will be strengthened.  After you have done all you can, and can rest before God knowing you gave it all to Him, then if the other person does not make the same progress…that’s not your responsibility.

Go get em,

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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11. July 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I love to read the stories you share about people who have taken big risks and find the kind of life they were looking for.  I really get inspired each time I read one of those stories.  What I would like to know, however, is how I can live a “big” life if I feel called to stay in my normal job, in my normal town, living my “normal” life?  I do want to live the kind of life I was meant to live, as you put it, but I don’t feel like I am called to be a missionary or some other kind of “superhuman”.

What does a big life look like for people like me?

Dan

Dan,

That is a great question!  Finding the life you were meant to live is not always about “superhuman” feats and impressive off the charts accomplishments.  In fact, the idea of “calling” is about coming to grips with who we were created to be, and giving it our all no matter where we are in life.

Most people would not consider teachers to be superhuman figures.  Yet, I would suggest to you that some of the most important “heroes” in our society are those teachers who are quietly, yet passionately, giving their all to kids day in and day out in order to set those students up for success in the future.  While teachers don’t make a billion dollars like Tiger Woods (who will in fact be the first billion dollar athlete by 2010 it appears), they are central players who influence where our society will be years down the road.

Likewise, nurses, for example, do not get the admiration of doctors.  Yet, without the nurses the doctors  could not do what they do.  Nurses have the privilege of caring for the ailing all day every day.  They are the ones who are extended the honor of demonstrating ongoing care, compassion, and love during those long hours when the doctors are not around.  This is a truly “big” gift.

The same is true of any profession where an individual uses his or her influence, gifts, and abilities to make a difference.  The lawyer who is committed to justice, truth, and honor is making an enormous difference daily.  The fireman who gives his or her life to save another is performing in heroic ways.  The financial planner who is dedicated to enabling others to plan, protect, and build a better future is offering a critical function.  The little league coach who is impacting young lives is performing admirably.  The personal trainer who is aiding others in building their bodies and health is playing a vital role.  The home builder, electrician, policeman, engineer, …and so many more who may not make the headlines each day, are central to the functioning of all of our lives.

The life we were meant to live is not so much a matter of having a sexy job description, its about offering our selves right where we are to God in order that He might use us to impact the lives of others.  The stay at home mom who gives herself daily to the nurturing and care of her children is providing an environment for those kids to flourish for life.  The single dad who gives himself to the care of his children is leaving a legacy for his children.  The grandparent who instills a deep sense of faith, love, and constancy in his or her grandkids is to be championed.

As inspiring as Bruce Olson’s story is, God is not calling all of us to go to a foreign country to live in a hut.  Yet, He is calling each of us to give ourselves totally to Him wherever we may be at this moment.  Each time we demonstrate grace where we could strike out for revenge we demonstrate the life we were meant to live.  Each time we make an effort to encourage another who may be struggling we live the life we were meant to live.  Each time we seek to bring healing to a relationship that is faltering…each time we help keep another person on track…each time we choose purity and faithfulness…each time we earnestly pray…each time we submit our affections, desires, and longings to God…each time we commit to our marriages…each time, we live the life He has called us to live.

Essentially, finding the life we were meant to live begins with who we are.  If we are the kind of person God is calling us to be internally we are well on our way to experiencing all that He has called us to.  In fact, there are far too many people who appear outwardly to be living “big” lives, and are dying on the inside.  Our quest, first, is to know Him and to walk in His ways.  Then, as we open ourselves to His direction, He can guide us on the expeditions He has for us.

Begin your journey to a big life by giving each moment you have to Him, fully and without reservation.  Each interaction, each thought, each pursuit, each act, …  As you make this kind of living an expression of who you are you will, in fact, find your life to be increasingly meaningful.  The “big” life is about knowing a big God who offers you the privilege of experiencing Him fully in every moment.

Make a life where you are, and be open to His leading.  We never know what is ahead, but the journey is better left in His hands.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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27. June 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

My life feels out of control. It seems like no matter what I do I am not making any progress. My relationships, my work, …nothing seems to be where I want it. I have always admired those who seemed to have their lives in order, and I have always tried to be one of those people. I just cannot seem to get there.

You often write about living life to the full and finding the life you were meant to live, and I want that. I just am not sure I can make that happen. How do I live the kind of life I want? How do I get things under control? How do I make progress?

Everyone around me thinks I must have a great life. I grew up in a wealthy family, went to great schools, drive a fancy car, …but really, I know deep inside that my life is very much out of alignment. My job, which “looks good” on the outside, provides no joy for me, and I continually question what the point it. Is it enough just to make a good living while I waste away emotionally and relationally?

Any insight you could give would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Maria

Maria,

Thanks for your heartfelt question, openness and honesty. In our society there are not many who are willing, sadly, to actually look beyond the exterior to find answers to the questions you raise. Too often we make the assumption of others, “If it looks so good on the outside, it must really be good.” As you have pointed out, this is not the case. Further, we often buy into the falsehood that the best we can hope to do is to keep up with or surpass the Jones’. The good news is that life is more than that, it can be so much more than that. It’s not a simple equation, but I hope I can shed some light and hope on your situation.

First, let me encourage you to continue asking the questions and to remain honest with yourself and others about where you are. The more you evaluate and wrestle with this the more likely you are to get where you are meant to be…and sooner. Keep at it!

For starters, I would like to encourage you to remember (and you seem aware of this) that your worth depends not upon the size of your bank account, your professional title, or your family name. All of that is tinsel at best, and can be gone in a moment. Just as in the game of Monopoly, when the game of life is over, it all goes back in the box. When you come to that moment when your last breath is upon you, it will be clear that you cannot take any of the toys with you and the only thing that matters it the legacy you leave behind. That legacy is not the stuff you leave, rather, it is the person you were and the lives you touched, those you bettered.

Let me also encourage you to remember that the sense of “control” is an illusion. While at times we look at others and think, “They really have it together.”, in reality, none of us actually has mastery over our lives. Even the most hard charging, organized, successful, and focused of people do not have it all figured out. In fact, as many studies and as practical life demonstrates, a large number of super-focused people are quite insecure and are attempting to charge through life in an attempt to validate themselves in the eyes of someone else. Such an approach leads to extreme forms of emotional fragility, and often leads to very tumultuous relationships. The appearance of control is often a mirage. Many at the top of the “ladder” are very lonely, hardened, and calloused people. Many who have climbed their way up, though having vaults full of money and garages overflowing with toys, are bankrupt of soul.

Also, control, in the ultimate sense is not at all in our hands. Who among us can control whether or not we are stricken with cancer? There are many tales of those who lived right, ate right, and exercised right, and yet, came down with a terminal case. Bad things happen, even to good people. Likewise, super-hero or not, all among us, regardless of success, are a heartbeat or breath away from death. Tim Russert, the well respected journalist, is a case in point. It can happen in an instant. Our jobs, cars, homes, families, and bank accounts are no match for Death. When he comes we find ourselves incapable of withstanding the blow.

Now let’s get practical, and a bit theological. The sense of “control” you speak about, I believe, is more a quest to find “what” you are supposed to be about. For those who do not find their compass in God’s call for them, there always remains a sense that something is out of place, missing. So, I would suggest to you that you be aware that it is a “place” you are looking for and not control over life as you are now living it. As I have said many times, and as Augustine penned many years ago, we will never find that place until we find ourselves in Him. Augustine suggested, “We shall find no rest until our hearts rest in thee, O God.”

In coming to God as we are and in offering Him the controls of our lives we find our purpose and place. When we allow Him to define the particulars in our lives, who we love, how we love, the work we do, the things we aspire to, …life seems to make sense. Life never feels as if we have it all figured out, and we certainly never get to a place where we have it all under our control. In coming to God for our place, we come to see that control is in His hands. His control may take us through many a tumultuous season for a bigger purpose, in fact. His control is for the good of the world, not our cravings. And His control is above and beyond our planning abilities. His control redefines how we view life, and how we view ourselves.

Control, as you speak of it, is a spiritual reality in God’s economy. There are indeed things we can do to be responsible, to move ahead, and to forge a more deliberate life. Yet, if these things are pursued apart from our place in Him, we will remain uneasy. As many a headline has revealed, all the accolades, power, position, and riches in the world cannot replace what we find only in a relationship with God, through Jesus Christ.

Find your place in Him, and allow Him to direct the remainder of your days. He may bring you to a new career, a new strategy for relating to others, new patterns of behavior, or any number of new things. What you can be assured of is that He who makes all things new can and will birth a new hope in you for the future. He may bring you to increasing levels of professional focus, or He may pull you out of your current environment all together. He may bring you to ever increasing riches or He may lead you to a place of lesser means. He may keep you where you are or He may take you to a new land. Many a great story and triumph have begun where an individual traded  personal “trophies” and personal comfort for a divine adventure.  Wherever the compass may point, the important thing is not your control over the details, but His place in your heart. From that place all direction and ultimate purpose come forth.

You are asking for greater control, but I humbly submit that what you are craving is a more sure sense of place. That place we all crave is actually a person, Jesus Christ. This was the reality that C.S. Lewis came to embrace as God was calling Lewis to Himself. He wrote, “I thought I was coming to a place (religion, moral insight), but what I found is that I was coming to a person.”

God is in control. We are not. He is the place our hearts long for. Start there, and the journey begins.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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20. June 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

You write a lot about following God’s purposes for your life, knowing “Him”, and living the kind of life God calls us to live. I am not a spiritual person, and have not really thought a great deal about these kinds of things, and just kinda live life as it comes to me. I try to have fun, live a good life, and try not to intentionally hurt anyone along the way. What is so bad about that? Isn’t that about all we need to do? My philosophy is get a good education, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, take care of your family, and be a good person. Why do we need more than that?

Jim

Jim,

Good question. Your perspective, statistically, is quite a common one. And while it may, at first glance, seem “reasonable” enough, if you really dissect it and think it over, it clearly is not so sound a way of looking at life. I will explain.

First of all, you seem persuaded that you, and perhaps we all, should live life aiming for some sort of “good”, a moral standard if you will. The difficulty in suggesting that people ought to live a “good” life while removing God from the equation is significant. In doing so you have eliminated the standard of measurement for “good”. If no absolute moral standard exists for “goodness” then how are we to truly know what is ultimately and finally good or not? In some cultures they eat their neighbors, in others that is not so “good”. Some people would espouse a “survival of the fittest” approach to life, while you espouse a “do unto others…” approach. Which one is right?

Without a final and authoritative measuring stick for true goodness how do you know, really, when you have done good? Some abandon home and family to pursue their own professional good. Some leave a spouse for a “good” time. The terrorists responsible for 9/11 had been taught all their lives that such an act was a “good” thing. In our eyes it was evil and tragic. Who is right? Who is the final authority on such matters?

More practically, what happens to your approach for those who see education and family fail them? There are many brilliant minds walking our streets homeless. Many a degree goes unused. Many useful and important research degrees don’t pay all that well. Many who once started with a great education and a great job see life fall apart and lose everything. What then? What is left when an education was a person’s salvation and it fails them? What is a person to do when education provides them with access to power, money, and access, and then the access leads them down destructive roads? The tales of such horrors are blasted all over our newspapers and television screens daily. Sometimes the MBA, six figure salary, and acclaim lead people to implode. Many neglect family and ethics for the sake of a pay check.

Finally, I would urge you to consider what is an increasingly mounting problem in our culture. We tend to view success, fame, money, and pleasure as the golden dream. Yet, story after story comes to us from many corners of our culture telling the truth about lives lived for the pursuit of the good life. Money, success, and pleasure are not bad in and of themselves, but when separated from a standard of deeper measurement and meaning, they tend to ruin people or at least leave them utterly unfulfilled. I could document many high profile and many not so high profile accounts of such a reality, but I do not have the space in this setting to do so. Many who have “made their dreams come true” have found those dreams wanting once they are at the top.

One final thought. The one thing I do admire about your outlook is the call to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. I would like to remind you, however, that this injunction is borrowed from biblical teaching. You see, for all of us who want to live a good life, we are continually brought back to the reality that some tangible, real, and unique standard of truth exists. In fact, this is the only possible explanation, logically speaking, that gives rise to the human desire to see beauty, truth, and goodness in what is around us. The fact that any of us even catagorize good and bad demonstrates that such realities do exist and do so beyond our own definition of things.

God defines goodness. If you truly desire to live a “good” life, you must know what goodness is in reality. There are six billion people on the planet. How are we to determine what is truly good if each person is given the freedom to construct conflicting views of goodness? There is a standard and it is derived from the One who is ultimately good. Living life to the full comes from knowing Him and walking according to His good plan. The sense of knowing that one is following God’s plan is what holds us together and provides meaning and joy even when all else is falling apart around us. The good life is more than circumstance, and bigger, much bigger, than the American dream.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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6. June 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I am not a believer, but am searching, I guess, for what life is all about.  Last week in your Dear Bruce letter you wrote about the “Gardener”.  While the logic seemed pretty solid, I have been wrestling this week with the question, “Do I need a gardener?”  So, I ask you, why do we need a Gardener?  Can’t we just all get along? to use a cliche.  Help me understand.

Mike

Mike,

Your question is a legitimate one, and one which only a brave searcher will ask.  If you are asking the question honestly and really seeking an answer then I think you will find an answer which makes moral, intellectual, spiritual and personal sense.

I begin with today’s newspapers and headlines from across the country.  In the L.A. Times I read a story today of a former high profile billionaire/tech executive who was recently indicted on charges ranging from illegal sex, drugs, and corporate fraud.  This is the story of a man who, once he tasted the high life, needed an ever increasing supply of pleasure to fill the void in his soul.  The story reads like a classic case of a life lived without any acknowledgment of a Gardener.  Illicit sex, drug abuse, power abuse, egotism, and many other ugly things came to dominate this bright man’s life.  Now, apparently, he is headed to prison.

I also read, today, the story of a man in Connecticut who was struck by a car in the middle of a busy street with people teaming along the walkways.  The incident was caught on tape and the video revealed that no one rushed to help the 78 year old man who just lay bleeding and suffering in the street.  Apparently the video has caused a surge of moral grief and questioning in the community where it took place.

Still, today, in the headlines, I read a story of another man who after losing his job and finding it hard to find another attempted to medicate his stress and pressure by looking for sex partners on the Internet.  As his moral downward spiral played out he took the drastic measure of killing his own wife and daughter.  In the aftermath, of course, he is awash in grief and shame.

I would also like to highlight a recent trip I took to Beverly Hills.  While in the city for a week or so I spent a good deal of time eating with, interacting with, and watching the richest of the rich on their own turf.  Eating lunch one day in a very swanky eatery I sat next to a high profile writer and another Hollywood executive.  I could not help but hear the conversation which was one rumor after another, and which was filled with personal anecdotes about each person’s adventures in the therapist’s office.  On one evening I attended a jazz gig at a Hollywood insiders hangout out (not sure how I got in), and witnessed an aesthetically pleasing but very sad scene.  Everyone there was looking, clearly, to see and be seen.  I even saw one beautiful woman working the room handing out gifts (jewelry) to those who were clearly the most “in” insiders.  Being from out of town, and though wearing my most chic get up, not one person paid me an ounce of attention.  Everyone in the entire room knew someone, everyone but me that is.  Can you say “awkward”?  Again, listening in to the conversations and witnessing the activities over the course of a couple of hours or more, I was struck by the paradox of exclusive beauty and the overwhelming and singular shallowness.  Not of value was spoken about by anyone, and just about every person there that I overheard spoke only of sex, money, drink, and tabloid behavior.

I highlight these realities and could highlight many more simply to call your attention to how life pans out when we attempt to live it without regard to a moral compass.  Life lived for an audience of unending numbers leaves us, always, without inner peace and rest.  Life lived for another dollar always leaves us lusting for more.  Life lived for another thrill takes us to addictive patterns we seldom recover from.  In essence, without recognition that we live for an audience of One, we live for the moment.  Life lived that way always leaves us less than fulfilled.

What happens to those, for example, who lust to be “in” and never quite get there?  Or what happens in the heart of the individual whose entire life is defined by being “in” when the bottom falls out and they are cast out?  Where do they go then for companionship?

Thankfully, the Gardener of which the Bible speaks is one who, though an outcast Himself, desires that we all come to Him and be found “in” Him.  He does not despise the lowly, He exalts the humble, and He loves the unlovely.  His invitation is open to all, even the “in” crowd, but reality demonstrates that those thirsting to be “in” in this world rarely take time to hear His call.  That deafness of heart leads to the death of a soul.

In coming to the Gardener for life to the full we do not have to give up all the good things which come into our lives.  But we find in Him our compass, our passion, our purpose, and our aim which gives rise to the things we pursue.  In Him, in success and in defeat, we can find hope because we know our life is not meaningless.  We need a Gardener because without one, it is clear, this world and our hearts become less and less inclined to pursue beauty, truth, grace, compassion, love and humanity.   We were made for Him.  When we choose to live without Him life just does not make sense.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.rog

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22. May 2008 by BruceSmith.

Readers,

This weeks Dear Bruce letter comes a day early.  I believe this is a story that deserves AT LEAST a couple days of reflection.  As the writer suggests, its a modern day No Quit, God has your back, Lion-Hearted faith story.  I need not even reply to this one, as the story says it all.  Enjoy the read.

Dear Bruce,

I am not sure how much of my story you will want to post, but I think it relates to your writings this week in a real life, real time, practical way.  I am a single guy, have been for a few years after a painful divorce.  My divorce was unavoidable, and I have dedicated myself to doing all relationships  since my divorce God’s way.  That is not always easy.  As you know we live in a culture where “anything goes” is the most common approach to relationships.  As long as two consenting adults are in the mix, then there are no boundaries.  I have never thought that way, and have approached relationships much differently.

There is the “problem”!  At my age, post 30s, it seems there are very few females out there who approach, have approached life in a similar way to how I approach it.  The vast majority of women it seems have either been in  many improper relationships (whether married, divorced, or not) or have a current view of relationships that just does not jive with God’s view or relationships.  For a guy my age, with a commitment to doing relationships God’s way, the field is pretty narrow.  It can get hard to wait some days, especially when opportunity arises.

I guess that background sort of sets the stage for the rest of the story I wanted to write about.  A few months ago I was introduced to a really neat, and very attractive woman.  She was by any standard of beauty, a knock-out, she was a devoted Christian, a good mom, had a great personality, and was all in all, a good “catch”.  When we were introduced I was under the impression that she had been through a difficult marriage, and had gone through a divorce.  Reality was pretty close, but not so neat and tidy.  As it turned out a divorce had been filed, both parties had agreed, and they were just waiting for the thing to become official. Through many unexpected hang ups in the court the divorce was delayed to the frustration of both she and her “ex”.   Some would say, “No big deal, its virtually a done deal” others would say, as I would, “Nothing can be allowed to develop romantically until and unless the thing is final.”

Now, for a guy, who finds a woman quite attractive, and knowing that if things were a bit different I would pursue her, this is no easy situation.  But, I had this quiet sense that God was in the mix somehow, and I tried to listen to what I thought was His voice telling me, “Be a good friend.”  Not knowing if that was His call to be a friend and only a friend, if that was for a time, and then…, or if I was my distorted desires to want to stay close to something I should not be close to, I wrestled with this, but came to a point where I sensed, and was at peace with being a friend and nothing else if that is what God intended.

So,  as I got to know this gal a bit more, and as I learned more of the details of her past and her marriage, I began to think to myself that God was up to something in her life and was somehow wanting me to play some role.  I still did not know if that meant friendship or eventually something else, but my gut told me it was probably the former.  Again, not an easy thing to embrace for a guy who is interested in meeting an  attractive, God-loving, smart, and  personable woman  to do life with.

Now here is the kicker.  It seemed that the marriage was a complete done deal for her and her would be “ex”.  It seemed clear that both had, long ago, “moved out and moved on” with regard to the marriage.  Trouble is, I knew they were childhood sweethearts, were involved in church, had a great little kid, and had many around them that were heart broken the marriage was ending.  I kept getting the sense that, maybe, just maybe, God was going to win an unexpected battle on the field of life with this one.  About the time I felt pretty good about that diagnosis I got the word that she and her all but technical “ex” were on there way to have the papers officially executed by the judge.  Game over, right?  NOT SO QUICK.

Because the two of them had moved, there seemed to have been some difficulty in the courts on deciding which state had the “right” to the divorce.  In actuality, this is the very thing which held the divorce up for a much longer than expected time frame.  In retrospect, a truly divine delay.  So, as it turned out, the  “ex” and my friend had to make a road trip, together, over a period of a few days, in order to get to the state which had jurisdiction, and to attend the formal divorce meetings to close the deal.  I got wind of this as they were about to leave for the trip, and the over-riding impression was, perhaps, in the near future, more than a friendship could develop.  BUT GOD.

Here is the part which I think really relates to your writings this week.  Sadly, for too many people I know, few would have even considered holding off romance in a situation like this, male or female.  Further, I think that most, knowing the marriage was about to end, formally, would have been jumping for joy over the soon to come blossoming relationship.  But somehow, things were so much different for me and my friend.  Without a doubt, my friend had given up on her marriage.  In her eyes she had actually moved on emotionally long ago.  After years of perceived insurmountable struggle and neglect, she had thrown in the towel.  She had fought that battle long enough.  Apparently the husband had felt the same way.

It is crazy how God does the unexpected and improbable!  You have been writing this week about a “No Quit” faith, and God working against all odds, and God fighting for us and wanting us to win the day.  Well, I must tell you.  At a point in my life that I needed to see that happen in real life and in real time and in a real situation, I watched God do it!  Just like you said, “When the last tick has run off the clock, and it looks like the game is over…BUT GOD”.

Just like Lazarus, who you wrote about earlier in the week, my friend’s marriage came back from the dead just when both parties were beginning to rejoice it was finally and technically over.  As I was told by my friend that they were on their way to get the thing done once and for all, I strangely felt compelled (that’s the term that best describes my feeling) to pray for them that God would, in the last moment, intervene and even as they were going to sit before the judge and sign the papers, watch a resurrection of the marriage.  The were traveling for three or four days, and I prayed every single day that God would stop them in their tracks and work an amazing last minute, back from the brink, miracle.  I didn’t know how or why I was praying that way, but I knew I had no choice.  And, rather than be sad or upset or discouraged that “my chance” might be done in by such an answered request, I was absolutely at peace and really hoping that God might do this.

So, here is how the story ends, or begins, or re-begins!  Once my friend got back to her town after the “divorce trip” she called me to let me know how it went.  When I answered the phone I said, “So, …how did it go?”  Her response was, “Well…, it went well, but I’m not so sure it went as you or I expected.”  I began to grin.  I said, “Really, what happened?”  Then she went on to tell me that God, as she sat there in the final divorce proceedings, and as she and her husband looked at each other and considered the years of pain, neglect, and hopelessness, it was as if God spoke to both of them and they looked at each other and said, “We can’t do this.”  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!  As they considered their child, their history, and the strength available in turning things over to the Lion Hearted God they serve…they decided to pick up their stuff, and they walked out of the courthouse determined to put the marriage back together again!  WOW.

My friend went on to tell me, through tears, that many of my communications with her, emails, texts, phone calls, etc. were the very things God used (amongst other things) to bring her to that place at that time.  And she made reference to some reading materials I had sent her just prior to the trip playing a big role. Looking back, anyone with any knowledge of the situation would have to say that the unexpected and prolonged “delays” in the court system, were planted there by God in order for Him to work out His strategy of grace!

The battle is God’s, and I just wanted to encourage your readers to consider Him in all things, and to never give up the fight for the right thing.  It is never too late to pursue God, and He is able to raise people and relationships from the dead.  The entire thing has taught me, again, the value of remaining committed to His purposes for my life.  As for me, I could not be more thrilled by the outcome.  No romance could ever replace, for me, the value of knowing what it means to be walking through the battle of life following the lead of this Warrior King who still fights for us.  And I cannot help but think, one day, according to His unfathomable plan, He will work His relational strategy for me.  That is the only plan I want.

Thanks for calling us to stay in the game!

Ian

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9. May 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I am facing a situation that is overwhelming.  I am not sure how I got to this place, not sure why, and I am certainly not sure what purpose there is in this debacle I am in.  I have thought about it, talked about it, cried about it, gotten angry about it, and at times have just tried to ignore it because I am so exhausted.  I cannot see this working out to my advantage and I am left wondering where God is in all of this.  Can you offer me some advice?

Dave

Dave,

As the saying goes, “If I had a dime…” I would, indeed, be a rich man.  Your situation, while it may feel unique in terms of the details, is really quite common.  All of us, at one point or another, in one way or another, face similar situations.  For some its relational, for others physical, for others its financial, and for others its professional or something else.

While it may not be good news to know that many others are in the same boat, it should at least remind you of the fact that challenge and life are inseparable.  This is important because our first inclination, when facing big issues, is to run for cover, pray for a quick fix, and hope for comfort and ease.  What we need to realize in moments such as the one you are facing is that God is aware, and more than that, actively working in, with, and through your situation.  In fact, in retrospect, we often look back and realize that what was first perceived as a sure dead end, turned out to be a moment of opportunity for growth.

This brings me to our third installment for the week in terms of our focus on Favorite Things about God.  Your situation is one which highlights one of the fantastic realities of faith.  God is in the odds beating business.  Throughout scripture, time and again, we see stories of men and women of faith who were down and out on luck, underdogs in a great fight, and at a total loss for a situational fix.  But God…

David faced an armor wearing, rage prone, fearless, weapon toting giant as tall or taller than the most freakishly large NBA player.  He was a much smaller guy, and was armed with the less than all powerful sling shot.  But he came to the fight in confidence that the God who had intervened on his behalf in the past would do it again.  Clearly the underdog, David walked into the arena of battle and faced an overwhelming demonstration of power, strength, and terror.  At the end of the day, David stood victorious and His view of God had been enlarged.

Likewise, amidst the battlefields of our lives, we too are offered the all conquering power of God regardless of what we face.  Even as everyone around you is betting the farm on your demise amidst your current fight, you can stand firm in the hope and promise that God can and will carry the day as you follow Him into battle.  As followers of God, we have no need to fear any man, woman, or enemy.  There is no opponent, physical, mental, emotional, financial, or otherwise, which matches the ability of God.

What we must focus on in times of great difficulty is God’s desire to demonstrate to everyone looking in that He is the One who carries the day.  God often places us in situations or allows situations to develop in our lives which will leave us with no other option but to rely upon Him.  It is in those moments, when all the bets are being placed against us, that we must go “all in” and bet the farm on Him.

So, the answer to your dilemma, and the favorite thing for the day are one in the same.  As followers of Christ, we must hang our faith hat on God’s ability to carry the day amidst all odds.  One of my favorite things about Him is that He desires to show Himself true amidst the most hopeless of situations.  The ability to walk through the wilderness of life with the knowledge that the journey with God is still intact is an amazing source of hope and strength.

Regardless of the nature of your struggle you can take heart knowing that God does His best work when the odds are stacked against His people.  This theme, this favorite thing, is demonstrated in scripture from beginning to end.  Do not trust in your ability to manipulate, fix, or scheme your way out of this one.  Do not attempt to match blow for blow against a superior foe.  Allow God to lead you into the battle and rely on His principles of warfare, and watch Him carry the day as He fights for you, protects you, and leads you on to victory.  His strategy may look much different from the ones offered to you by others, but you must trust Him.  His weapons may not look familiar to the worldly mind.  And His call to you may nudge you in unexpected directions.  In the midst of your present situation be careful to sense where He may be leading you, and be open to a new direction.  It may be that He is bringing you an entirely different focus for your life at this time.  Enormous difficulties often become glorious opportunities to experience, know, and follow God in new ways.

In the fight with you,

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org (please donate at optimuslife.org by clicking on the “donate” button)

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