27. June 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

My life feels out of control. It seems like no matter what I do I am not making any progress. My relationships, my work, …nothing seems to be where I want it. I have always admired those who seemed to have their lives in order, and I have always tried to be one of those people. I just cannot seem to get there.

You often write about living life to the full and finding the life you were meant to live, and I want that. I just am not sure I can make that happen. How do I live the kind of life I want? How do I get things under control? How do I make progress?

Everyone around me thinks I must have a great life. I grew up in a wealthy family, went to great schools, drive a fancy car, …but really, I know deep inside that my life is very much out of alignment. My job, which “looks good” on the outside, provides no joy for me, and I continually question what the point it. Is it enough just to make a good living while I waste away emotionally and relationally?

Any insight you could give would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

Maria

Maria,

Thanks for your heartfelt question, openness and honesty. In our society there are not many who are willing, sadly, to actually look beyond the exterior to find answers to the questions you raise. Too often we make the assumption of others, “If it looks so good on the outside, it must really be good.” As you have pointed out, this is not the case. Further, we often buy into the falsehood that the best we can hope to do is to keep up with or surpass the Jones’. The good news is that life is more than that, it can be so much more than that. It’s not a simple equation, but I hope I can shed some light and hope on your situation.

First, let me encourage you to continue asking the questions and to remain honest with yourself and others about where you are. The more you evaluate and wrestle with this the more likely you are to get where you are meant to be…and sooner. Keep at it!

For starters, I would like to encourage you to remember (and you seem aware of this) that your worth depends not upon the size of your bank account, your professional title, or your family name. All of that is tinsel at best, and can be gone in a moment. Just as in the game of Monopoly, when the game of life is over, it all goes back in the box. When you come to that moment when your last breath is upon you, it will be clear that you cannot take any of the toys with you and the only thing that matters it the legacy you leave behind. That legacy is not the stuff you leave, rather, it is the person you were and the lives you touched, those you bettered.

Let me also encourage you to remember that the sense of “control” is an illusion. While at times we look at others and think, “They really have it together.”, in reality, none of us actually has mastery over our lives. Even the most hard charging, organized, successful, and focused of people do not have it all figured out. In fact, as many studies and as practical life demonstrates, a large number of super-focused people are quite insecure and are attempting to charge through life in an attempt to validate themselves in the eyes of someone else. Such an approach leads to extreme forms of emotional fragility, and often leads to very tumultuous relationships. The appearance of control is often a mirage. Many at the top of the “ladder” are very lonely, hardened, and calloused people. Many who have climbed their way up, though having vaults full of money and garages overflowing with toys, are bankrupt of soul.

Also, control, in the ultimate sense is not at all in our hands. Who among us can control whether or not we are stricken with cancer? There are many tales of those who lived right, ate right, and exercised right, and yet, came down with a terminal case. Bad things happen, even to good people. Likewise, super-hero or not, all among us, regardless of success, are a heartbeat or breath away from death. Tim Russert, the well respected journalist, is a case in point. It can happen in an instant. Our jobs, cars, homes, families, and bank accounts are no match for Death. When he comes we find ourselves incapable of withstanding the blow.

Now let’s get practical, and a bit theological. The sense of “control” you speak about, I believe, is more a quest to find “what” you are supposed to be about. For those who do not find their compass in God’s call for them, there always remains a sense that something is out of place, missing. So, I would suggest to you that you be aware that it is a “place” you are looking for and not control over life as you are now living it. As I have said many times, and as Augustine penned many years ago, we will never find that place until we find ourselves in Him. Augustine suggested, “We shall find no rest until our hearts rest in thee, O God.”

In coming to God as we are and in offering Him the controls of our lives we find our purpose and place. When we allow Him to define the particulars in our lives, who we love, how we love, the work we do, the things we aspire to, …life seems to make sense. Life never feels as if we have it all figured out, and we certainly never get to a place where we have it all under our control. In coming to God for our place, we come to see that control is in His hands. His control may take us through many a tumultuous season for a bigger purpose, in fact. His control is for the good of the world, not our cravings. And His control is above and beyond our planning abilities. His control redefines how we view life, and how we view ourselves.

Control, as you speak of it, is a spiritual reality in God’s economy. There are indeed things we can do to be responsible, to move ahead, and to forge a more deliberate life. Yet, if these things are pursued apart from our place in Him, we will remain uneasy. As many a headline has revealed, all the accolades, power, position, and riches in the world cannot replace what we find only in a relationship with God, through Jesus Christ.

Find your place in Him, and allow Him to direct the remainder of your days. He may bring you to a new career, a new strategy for relating to others, new patterns of behavior, or any number of new things. What you can be assured of is that He who makes all things new can and will birth a new hope in you for the future. He may bring you to increasing levels of professional focus, or He may pull you out of your current environment all together. He may bring you to ever increasing riches or He may lead you to a place of lesser means. He may keep you where you are or He may take you to a new land. Many a great story and triumph have begun where an individual traded  personal “trophies” and personal comfort for a divine adventure.  Wherever the compass may point, the important thing is not your control over the details, but His place in your heart. From that place all direction and ultimate purpose come forth.

You are asking for greater control, but I humbly submit that what you are craving is a more sure sense of place. That place we all crave is actually a person, Jesus Christ. This was the reality that C.S. Lewis came to embrace as God was calling Lewis to Himself. He wrote, “I thought I was coming to a place (religion, moral insight), but what I found is that I was coming to a person.”

God is in control. We are not. He is the place our hearts long for. Start there, and the journey begins.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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20. June 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

You write a lot about following God’s purposes for your life, knowing “Him”, and living the kind of life God calls us to live. I am not a spiritual person, and have not really thought a great deal about these kinds of things, and just kinda live life as it comes to me. I try to have fun, live a good life, and try not to intentionally hurt anyone along the way. What is so bad about that? Isn’t that about all we need to do? My philosophy is get a good education, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, take care of your family, and be a good person. Why do we need more than that?

Jim

Jim,

Good question. Your perspective, statistically, is quite a common one. And while it may, at first glance, seem “reasonable” enough, if you really dissect it and think it over, it clearly is not so sound a way of looking at life. I will explain.

First of all, you seem persuaded that you, and perhaps we all, should live life aiming for some sort of “good”, a moral standard if you will. The difficulty in suggesting that people ought to live a “good” life while removing God from the equation is significant. In doing so you have eliminated the standard of measurement for “good”. If no absolute moral standard exists for “goodness” then how are we to truly know what is ultimately and finally good or not? In some cultures they eat their neighbors, in others that is not so “good”. Some people would espouse a “survival of the fittest” approach to life, while you espouse a “do unto others…” approach. Which one is right?

Without a final and authoritative measuring stick for true goodness how do you know, really, when you have done good? Some abandon home and family to pursue their own professional good. Some leave a spouse for a “good” time. The terrorists responsible for 9/11 had been taught all their lives that such an act was a “good” thing. In our eyes it was evil and tragic. Who is right? Who is the final authority on such matters?

More practically, what happens to your approach for those who see education and family fail them? There are many brilliant minds walking our streets homeless. Many a degree goes unused. Many useful and important research degrees don’t pay all that well. Many who once started with a great education and a great job see life fall apart and lose everything. What then? What is left when an education was a person’s salvation and it fails them? What is a person to do when education provides them with access to power, money, and access, and then the access leads them down destructive roads? The tales of such horrors are blasted all over our newspapers and television screens daily. Sometimes the MBA, six figure salary, and acclaim lead people to implode. Many neglect family and ethics for the sake of a pay check.

Finally, I would urge you to consider what is an increasingly mounting problem in our culture. We tend to view success, fame, money, and pleasure as the golden dream. Yet, story after story comes to us from many corners of our culture telling the truth about lives lived for the pursuit of the good life. Money, success, and pleasure are not bad in and of themselves, but when separated from a standard of deeper measurement and meaning, they tend to ruin people or at least leave them utterly unfulfilled. I could document many high profile and many not so high profile accounts of such a reality, but I do not have the space in this setting to do so. Many who have “made their dreams come true” have found those dreams wanting once they are at the top.

One final thought. The one thing I do admire about your outlook is the call to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. I would like to remind you, however, that this injunction is borrowed from biblical teaching. You see, for all of us who want to live a good life, we are continually brought back to the reality that some tangible, real, and unique standard of truth exists. In fact, this is the only possible explanation, logically speaking, that gives rise to the human desire to see beauty, truth, and goodness in what is around us. The fact that any of us even catagorize good and bad demonstrates that such realities do exist and do so beyond our own definition of things.

God defines goodness. If you truly desire to live a “good” life, you must know what goodness is in reality. There are six billion people on the planet. How are we to determine what is truly good if each person is given the freedom to construct conflicting views of goodness? There is a standard and it is derived from the One who is ultimately good. Living life to the full comes from knowing Him and walking according to His good plan. The sense of knowing that one is following God’s plan is what holds us together and provides meaning and joy even when all else is falling apart around us. The good life is more than circumstance, and bigger, much bigger, than the American dream.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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6. June 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I am not a believer, but am searching, I guess, for what life is all about.  Last week in your Dear Bruce letter you wrote about the “Gardener”.  While the logic seemed pretty solid, I have been wrestling this week with the question, “Do I need a gardener?”  So, I ask you, why do we need a Gardener?  Can’t we just all get along? to use a cliche.  Help me understand.

Mike

Mike,

Your question is a legitimate one, and one which only a brave searcher will ask.  If you are asking the question honestly and really seeking an answer then I think you will find an answer which makes moral, intellectual, spiritual and personal sense.

I begin with today’s newspapers and headlines from across the country.  In the L.A. Times I read a story today of a former high profile billionaire/tech executive who was recently indicted on charges ranging from illegal sex, drugs, and corporate fraud.  This is the story of a man who, once he tasted the high life, needed an ever increasing supply of pleasure to fill the void in his soul.  The story reads like a classic case of a life lived without any acknowledgment of a Gardener.  Illicit sex, drug abuse, power abuse, egotism, and many other ugly things came to dominate this bright man’s life.  Now, apparently, he is headed to prison.

I also read, today, the story of a man in Connecticut who was struck by a car in the middle of a busy street with people teaming along the walkways.  The incident was caught on tape and the video revealed that no one rushed to help the 78 year old man who just lay bleeding and suffering in the street.  Apparently the video has caused a surge of moral grief and questioning in the community where it took place.

Still, today, in the headlines, I read a story of another man who after losing his job and finding it hard to find another attempted to medicate his stress and pressure by looking for sex partners on the Internet.  As his moral downward spiral played out he took the drastic measure of killing his own wife and daughter.  In the aftermath, of course, he is awash in grief and shame.

I would also like to highlight a recent trip I took to Beverly Hills.  While in the city for a week or so I spent a good deal of time eating with, interacting with, and watching the richest of the rich on their own turf.  Eating lunch one day in a very swanky eatery I sat next to a high profile writer and another Hollywood executive.  I could not help but hear the conversation which was one rumor after another, and which was filled with personal anecdotes about each person’s adventures in the therapist’s office.  On one evening I attended a jazz gig at a Hollywood insiders hangout out (not sure how I got in), and witnessed an aesthetically pleasing but very sad scene.  Everyone there was looking, clearly, to see and be seen.  I even saw one beautiful woman working the room handing out gifts (jewelry) to those who were clearly the most “in” insiders.  Being from out of town, and though wearing my most chic get up, not one person paid me an ounce of attention.  Everyone in the entire room knew someone, everyone but me that is.  Can you say “awkward”?  Again, listening in to the conversations and witnessing the activities over the course of a couple of hours or more, I was struck by the paradox of exclusive beauty and the overwhelming and singular shallowness.  Not of value was spoken about by anyone, and just about every person there that I overheard spoke only of sex, money, drink, and tabloid behavior.

I highlight these realities and could highlight many more simply to call your attention to how life pans out when we attempt to live it without regard to a moral compass.  Life lived for an audience of unending numbers leaves us, always, without inner peace and rest.  Life lived for another dollar always leaves us lusting for more.  Life lived for another thrill takes us to addictive patterns we seldom recover from.  In essence, without recognition that we live for an audience of One, we live for the moment.  Life lived that way always leaves us less than fulfilled.

What happens to those, for example, who lust to be “in” and never quite get there?  Or what happens in the heart of the individual whose entire life is defined by being “in” when the bottom falls out and they are cast out?  Where do they go then for companionship?

Thankfully, the Gardener of which the Bible speaks is one who, though an outcast Himself, desires that we all come to Him and be found “in” Him.  He does not despise the lowly, He exalts the humble, and He loves the unlovely.  His invitation is open to all, even the “in” crowd, but reality demonstrates that those thirsting to be “in” in this world rarely take time to hear His call.  That deafness of heart leads to the death of a soul.

In coming to the Gardener for life to the full we do not have to give up all the good things which come into our lives.  But we find in Him our compass, our passion, our purpose, and our aim which gives rise to the things we pursue.  In Him, in success and in defeat, we can find hope because we know our life is not meaningless.  We need a Gardener because without one, it is clear, this world and our hearts become less and less inclined to pursue beauty, truth, grace, compassion, love and humanity.   We were made for Him.  When we choose to live without Him life just does not make sense.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.rog

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22. May 2008 by BruceSmith.

Readers,

This weeks Dear Bruce letter comes a day early.  I believe this is a story that deserves AT LEAST a couple days of reflection.  As the writer suggests, its a modern day No Quit, God has your back, Lion-Hearted faith story.  I need not even reply to this one, as the story says it all.  Enjoy the read.

Dear Bruce,

I am not sure how much of my story you will want to post, but I think it relates to your writings this week in a real life, real time, practical way.  I am a single guy, have been for a few years after a painful divorce.  My divorce was unavoidable, and I have dedicated myself to doing all relationships  since my divorce God’s way.  That is not always easy.  As you know we live in a culture where “anything goes” is the most common approach to relationships.  As long as two consenting adults are in the mix, then there are no boundaries.  I have never thought that way, and have approached relationships much differently.

There is the “problem”!  At my age, post 30s, it seems there are very few females out there who approach, have approached life in a similar way to how I approach it.  The vast majority of women it seems have either been in  many improper relationships (whether married, divorced, or not) or have a current view of relationships that just does not jive with God’s view or relationships.  For a guy my age, with a commitment to doing relationships God’s way, the field is pretty narrow.  It can get hard to wait some days, especially when opportunity arises.

I guess that background sort of sets the stage for the rest of the story I wanted to write about.  A few months ago I was introduced to a really neat, and very attractive woman.  She was by any standard of beauty, a knock-out, she was a devoted Christian, a good mom, had a great personality, and was all in all, a good “catch”.  When we were introduced I was under the impression that she had been through a difficult marriage, and had gone through a divorce.  Reality was pretty close, but not so neat and tidy.  As it turned out a divorce had been filed, both parties had agreed, and they were just waiting for the thing to become official. Through many unexpected hang ups in the court the divorce was delayed to the frustration of both she and her “ex”.   Some would say, “No big deal, its virtually a done deal” others would say, as I would, “Nothing can be allowed to develop romantically until and unless the thing is final.”

Now, for a guy, who finds a woman quite attractive, and knowing that if things were a bit different I would pursue her, this is no easy situation.  But, I had this quiet sense that God was in the mix somehow, and I tried to listen to what I thought was His voice telling me, “Be a good friend.”  Not knowing if that was His call to be a friend and only a friend, if that was for a time, and then…, or if I was my distorted desires to want to stay close to something I should not be close to, I wrestled with this, but came to a point where I sensed, and was at peace with being a friend and nothing else if that is what God intended.

So,  as I got to know this gal a bit more, and as I learned more of the details of her past and her marriage, I began to think to myself that God was up to something in her life and was somehow wanting me to play some role.  I still did not know if that meant friendship or eventually something else, but my gut told me it was probably the former.  Again, not an easy thing to embrace for a guy who is interested in meeting an  attractive, God-loving, smart, and  personable woman  to do life with.

Now here is the kicker.  It seemed that the marriage was a complete done deal for her and her would be “ex”.  It seemed clear that both had, long ago, “moved out and moved on” with regard to the marriage.  Trouble is, I knew they were childhood sweethearts, were involved in church, had a great little kid, and had many around them that were heart broken the marriage was ending.  I kept getting the sense that, maybe, just maybe, God was going to win an unexpected battle on the field of life with this one.  About the time I felt pretty good about that diagnosis I got the word that she and her all but technical “ex” were on there way to have the papers officially executed by the judge.  Game over, right?  NOT SO QUICK.

Because the two of them had moved, there seemed to have been some difficulty in the courts on deciding which state had the “right” to the divorce.  In actuality, this is the very thing which held the divorce up for a much longer than expected time frame.  In retrospect, a truly divine delay.  So, as it turned out, the  “ex” and my friend had to make a road trip, together, over a period of a few days, in order to get to the state which had jurisdiction, and to attend the formal divorce meetings to close the deal.  I got wind of this as they were about to leave for the trip, and the over-riding impression was, perhaps, in the near future, more than a friendship could develop.  BUT GOD.

Here is the part which I think really relates to your writings this week.  Sadly, for too many people I know, few would have even considered holding off romance in a situation like this, male or female.  Further, I think that most, knowing the marriage was about to end, formally, would have been jumping for joy over the soon to come blossoming relationship.  But somehow, things were so much different for me and my friend.  Without a doubt, my friend had given up on her marriage.  In her eyes she had actually moved on emotionally long ago.  After years of perceived insurmountable struggle and neglect, she had thrown in the towel.  She had fought that battle long enough.  Apparently the husband had felt the same way.

It is crazy how God does the unexpected and improbable!  You have been writing this week about a “No Quit” faith, and God working against all odds, and God fighting for us and wanting us to win the day.  Well, I must tell you.  At a point in my life that I needed to see that happen in real life and in real time and in a real situation, I watched God do it!  Just like you said, “When the last tick has run off the clock, and it looks like the game is over…BUT GOD”.

Just like Lazarus, who you wrote about earlier in the week, my friend’s marriage came back from the dead just when both parties were beginning to rejoice it was finally and technically over.  As I was told by my friend that they were on their way to get the thing done once and for all, I strangely felt compelled (that’s the term that best describes my feeling) to pray for them that God would, in the last moment, intervene and even as they were going to sit before the judge and sign the papers, watch a resurrection of the marriage.  The were traveling for three or four days, and I prayed every single day that God would stop them in their tracks and work an amazing last minute, back from the brink, miracle.  I didn’t know how or why I was praying that way, but I knew I had no choice.  And, rather than be sad or upset or discouraged that “my chance” might be done in by such an answered request, I was absolutely at peace and really hoping that God might do this.

So, here is how the story ends, or begins, or re-begins!  Once my friend got back to her town after the “divorce trip” she called me to let me know how it went.  When I answered the phone I said, “So, …how did it go?”  Her response was, “Well…, it went well, but I’m not so sure it went as you or I expected.”  I began to grin.  I said, “Really, what happened?”  Then she went on to tell me that God, as she sat there in the final divorce proceedings, and as she and her husband looked at each other and considered the years of pain, neglect, and hopelessness, it was as if God spoke to both of them and they looked at each other and said, “We can’t do this.”  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!  As they considered their child, their history, and the strength available in turning things over to the Lion Hearted God they serve…they decided to pick up their stuff, and they walked out of the courthouse determined to put the marriage back together again!  WOW.

My friend went on to tell me, through tears, that many of my communications with her, emails, texts, phone calls, etc. were the very things God used (amongst other things) to bring her to that place at that time.  And she made reference to some reading materials I had sent her just prior to the trip playing a big role. Looking back, anyone with any knowledge of the situation would have to say that the unexpected and prolonged “delays” in the court system, were planted there by God in order for Him to work out His strategy of grace!

The battle is God’s, and I just wanted to encourage your readers to consider Him in all things, and to never give up the fight for the right thing.  It is never too late to pursue God, and He is able to raise people and relationships from the dead.  The entire thing has taught me, again, the value of remaining committed to His purposes for my life.  As for me, I could not be more thrilled by the outcome.  No romance could ever replace, for me, the value of knowing what it means to be walking through the battle of life following the lead of this Warrior King who still fights for us.  And I cannot help but think, one day, according to His unfathomable plan, He will work His relational strategy for me.  That is the only plan I want.

Thanks for calling us to stay in the game!

Ian

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9. May 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I am facing a situation that is overwhelming.  I am not sure how I got to this place, not sure why, and I am certainly not sure what purpose there is in this debacle I am in.  I have thought about it, talked about it, cried about it, gotten angry about it, and at times have just tried to ignore it because I am so exhausted.  I cannot see this working out to my advantage and I am left wondering where God is in all of this.  Can you offer me some advice?

Dave

Dave,

As the saying goes, “If I had a dime…” I would, indeed, be a rich man.  Your situation, while it may feel unique in terms of the details, is really quite common.  All of us, at one point or another, in one way or another, face similar situations.  For some its relational, for others physical, for others its financial, and for others its professional or something else.

While it may not be good news to know that many others are in the same boat, it should at least remind you of the fact that challenge and life are inseparable.  This is important because our first inclination, when facing big issues, is to run for cover, pray for a quick fix, and hope for comfort and ease.  What we need to realize in moments such as the one you are facing is that God is aware, and more than that, actively working in, with, and through your situation.  In fact, in retrospect, we often look back and realize that what was first perceived as a sure dead end, turned out to be a moment of opportunity for growth.

This brings me to our third installment for the week in terms of our focus on Favorite Things about God.  Your situation is one which highlights one of the fantastic realities of faith.  God is in the odds beating business.  Throughout scripture, time and again, we see stories of men and women of faith who were down and out on luck, underdogs in a great fight, and at a total loss for a situational fix.  But God…

David faced an armor wearing, rage prone, fearless, weapon toting giant as tall or taller than the most freakishly large NBA player.  He was a much smaller guy, and was armed with the less than all powerful sling shot.  But he came to the fight in confidence that the God who had intervened on his behalf in the past would do it again.  Clearly the underdog, David walked into the arena of battle and faced an overwhelming demonstration of power, strength, and terror.  At the end of the day, David stood victorious and His view of God had been enlarged.

Likewise, amidst the battlefields of our lives, we too are offered the all conquering power of God regardless of what we face.  Even as everyone around you is betting the farm on your demise amidst your current fight, you can stand firm in the hope and promise that God can and will carry the day as you follow Him into battle.  As followers of God, we have no need to fear any man, woman, or enemy.  There is no opponent, physical, mental, emotional, financial, or otherwise, which matches the ability of God.

What we must focus on in times of great difficulty is God’s desire to demonstrate to everyone looking in that He is the One who carries the day.  God often places us in situations or allows situations to develop in our lives which will leave us with no other option but to rely upon Him.  It is in those moments, when all the bets are being placed against us, that we must go “all in” and bet the farm on Him.

So, the answer to your dilemma, and the favorite thing for the day are one in the same.  As followers of Christ, we must hang our faith hat on God’s ability to carry the day amidst all odds.  One of my favorite things about Him is that He desires to show Himself true amidst the most hopeless of situations.  The ability to walk through the wilderness of life with the knowledge that the journey with God is still intact is an amazing source of hope and strength.

Regardless of the nature of your struggle you can take heart knowing that God does His best work when the odds are stacked against His people.  This theme, this favorite thing, is demonstrated in scripture from beginning to end.  Do not trust in your ability to manipulate, fix, or scheme your way out of this one.  Do not attempt to match blow for blow against a superior foe.  Allow God to lead you into the battle and rely on His principles of warfare, and watch Him carry the day as He fights for you, protects you, and leads you on to victory.  His strategy may look much different from the ones offered to you by others, but you must trust Him.  His weapons may not look familiar to the worldly mind.  And His call to you may nudge you in unexpected directions.  In the midst of your present situation be careful to sense where He may be leading you, and be open to a new direction.  It may be that He is bringing you an entirely different focus for your life at this time.  Enormous difficulties often become glorious opportunities to experience, know, and follow God in new ways.

In the fight with you,

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org (please donate at optimuslife.org by clicking on the “donate” button)

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14. March 2008 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

As a believer, I have been through a lot in my life.  Just when I think I passed one big test and can now take a breather, another one comes along.  Actually, it seems like the tests get bigger over time.  Each time I think I have mastered the whole trusting God thing, I fall short again.  Does the testing ever end?  Do I ever get to coast for a while?  Right now I am facing the biggest test of my life, and I am not sure I have the strength, desire or determination to win this one.  Help!

Lee Ann

Lee Ann,

We ALL find ourselves there.  Even the great Patriarchs of faith endured this reality.

Earlier in the week I wrote regarding those situations in life life that tend to turn us into theological pessimists.  The recurring reality of our own failures, the brutality of others, and the often cruel realities of life can all lead us to a place of bitter and questioning laughter.  As we saw in the story of Abraham and Sarah, however, we can take heart in the truth that God is able to accomplish that which we never could on our own.  Just as God, when Sarah and Abe were beyond the “season of pleasure” (that’s the Biblical term), promised, and delivered (pun intended) a child (Isaac) to them, He is still able, amidst our cynicism and doubt, to bring about good in our lives when all seems lost.

One would think that after testing the faith and belief of Abraham and Sarah with the promise of a son during a season in life which made such a promise ridiculous from a human standpoint that God would give them a break and all would be smooth sailing from there on, right?  After all, the gig was almost up for those old folks.  In fact, when you look closely at the promise made to them, Isaac was the one through whom an entire people, a nation, would arise.  The real shocker in this story is that after God sees to it that the son is born (despite Abe and Sarah laughing in His face), something more ridiculous is requested of them.

The testing of faith was not done by any stretch for Abe and Sarah, and it was just beginning for the new son.  That very son, given at a time when Sarah’s womb was shut down for good and Abe had no access to Viagra, and the one through whom a historic lineage was to flow through, was to be put upon the chopping block of sacrifice.   God commanded Abraham to do the unthinkable.

The act requested is enough on its own merit to garner utter astonishment.  Taking the life of one’s own son is no laughing matter, to be sure.  Such a request would strike horror, confusion, and misery in the heart of anyone, even the most faith filled follower of God.  What was once cynical laughter had been turned into profoundly joyful laughter upon the birth of this little guy, and now that joyous laughter was being transformed into a cry so deep we cannot comprehend it.  What is staggering about the request, beyond the father/son realities is that God is actually requesting that Abraham slaughter the promise of God to bring an entire people from this son.  He is asking the Patriarch to kill an entire nation with the thrust of a knife, and the kindling of a fire.

Abraham had to be thinking, “O.K., let me get this straight.  God gave me a son when humanly speaking it could not happen.  He told me that the son was born in order than a nation might be born through him.  Now, He is telling me to kill my son and thereby destroy the hope for the nation He promised.  Am I missing something?”

Can you imagine the mental gymnastics that must have been going on here inside this father of faith?  Yet, God said, in a nutshell, “Trust me.”  God was testing Abraham.  But through His test of Abraham He was testing and preparing Isaac (he would no doubt reflect on this one the rest of his life if he survived) for a life of faith and for the leadership of a people.  Moreover, God was preparing one of the most seminal moments in the history of people of faith, knowing full well that for the remainder of history followers of The Way would look upon this moment with awe.

What Abraham needed to know, and what we need to know today amidst all of our tests, is that God provided a way in the past, and He is able and willing to provide a way now and in the future.  The miracle of Isaac’s birth had to have been the difference maker which inspired Abe to make the trek to the altar of sacrifice with his son of promise.  Remember, God had asked Abraham amidst his laughter, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”  Isaac’s birth answered that question in profound ways.  The victories God has brought into our lives in the past are to be the benchmarks which provide us with faith for the now and for the future.  Each test builds upon the other and are to make us into the people God wants us to be.  At each juncture of testing the question comes anew, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”

There are no moments in which we just put the theological gas pedal on cruise control.  We were created to experience Him in ever increasing ways.  We were designed to live life to the full.  You can’t do that on cruise control.  Mediocrity leads to boredom, emotional fatigue, and life without passion.  We were made for something much more grand than that.

Just as God provided for Abraham and Isaac (in the last moment possible, thereby testing their faith to the limit) upon that altar, so likewise, He will provide for you in the moment of testing.  Even in those moments when it appears the very dreams of God for your life are dying (I have been there)…He is there, and He is at work.  You may not see it, feel it, or want it…  BUT GOD.  When the test is through, you and many around you will stand in awe at the power of God and His ability to work wonders.  It is with this thought and promise in mind that we are able to laugh through the darkness of testing.

Bruce Smith

Optimuslife.org    (to donate click on the “donation” link at optimuslife.org)

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28. December 2007 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I am single, middle-aged, fairly attractive, a committed Christian, and am hoping to be married some day.  I find myself all over the map in terms of what I am attracted to, and wonder how much practical thinking vs. spiritual thinking should go into the process of finding a mate.  I want to be with someone who is good for me and who God approves of, but I am not sure how I go about finding that.  How does a vibrant Christian person go about this “dating game?”

Thanks for your reply in advance,

A

Dear A,

The “dating game” you refer to can indeed be a bit challenging.  The focus for you, or anyone who is a committed Christian, should be upon building relationships with a solid spiritual foundation.  Notice I said “relationships” plural.  The reason I start here along with the encouragement to build upon common spiritual grounds is simple–you cannot know for sure, what kind of person you are, by God’s design, most compatible with.  That is to say, while you may have an idea of the type of person you are looking for, it is possible that someone with a little different twist may come along and you will be pleasantly surprised.  Compatibility, in my view, is a very critical factor, but you don’t always know ahead of time just what you are really compatible with.  So, spend time with a number of different people, building friendships, and allow that “spark” to be quickened naturally over time, and see where it leads.  Don’t go into each new relational interaction thinking “Is this the one I will marry?”  Sometimes a friendship is the best fit for two people.  That being said, when the “spark” ignites, built upon God’s principles for relationship building, then jump in and see where it might take the two of you.

Let’s assume, for the moment, that you are absolutely convinced of the need to be “matched” spiritually speaking, with this foundation in place (a non-negotiable) then you need to think through some practical realities.  You should be inclined pursue others with common interests.  Do you both like the arts, outdoors, sports, reading, travel, etc.  A high level of common likes and/or dislikes in these areas will provide for a setting in which you can enjoy each other as you enjoy life.  Further, you should be aware of personality issues.  While you should not be looking for your twin in the opposite sex, you do have a better chance, in my view, of a long-lasting relationship with someone who has a personality that blends well with yours.  Look for good “fits” but not a copy of yourself.  The nuances in personality ought to lead to some sort of relational chemistry.  You should really enjoy one another’s company.

Beyond common spiritual pursuits, common interests, and personalities that mesh well, I think you both need to be headed toward the same overarching goals in life.  Are you both on the same page in terms of education, curiosity about life, financial goals, and family issues?  Do you both have similar views on lifestyle choices?  Do you both have common ideas about the kind of place you would like to live?  Do you both like to put down roots, or do you both like to see the world and hop around a bit over the years?

With the spiritual focus in tune, and some of the other issues I brought up, in alignment, spend time growing and developing as a God leads.  Pursue friendship where it is appropriate, and allow God to “spark” your interest where something more might potentially develop.  Don’t fear the process, and don’t settle for less than God intends.  Be open to surprising twists of “fate”, and realize we do play a role in choosing.  God is more than likely not going to send you a companion sealed up in a FedEx box.  Get out there, meet people, build interesting relationships, and offer God’s best to others.  Ask yourself regularly, “Am I the kind of person, by God’s grace, that others would/should be drawn to?”  Building ourselves, and becoming what God calls us to be is the first factor in “finding” a great match.

Much Love,

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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21. December 2007 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

What is the deal with boundaries, rules, guidelines? And what about the “sin” stuff? Why is it so important that we focus on this stuff all the time? I just kinda live my life from day to day, try not to really harm anyone, and hope for the best. Is this not good enough?

I look forward to your reply,

Sam

Sam,

Great questions, really! I understand the perspective you have, as most of us tend to want to live that way. We like the sense of comfort (emotional, psychological) that we assume a “cruise control” approach offers. The difficulty is that life is always a bit more complex and it does not take very long before we have to put our hands on the wheel and our foot on the brake. Actually, you hint at this in your own question when you refer to the desire not to “harm” anyone. I will explain.

The idea of “harming”, on its own, must recognized as a moral category. This is obvious with just a little thought. To view an action as having the potential to “harm” is to suppose, morally speaking, that some standard, measurable moral law can be violated. Otherwise, any and every action is merely an action with no ability to harm or “disharm”, if I can invent a word.

What I am getting at is the reality we rarely think about, but upon which we all operate daily, actually moment by moment. We make decisions about everything we do based on some standard of measurement. If we work retail, we give a certain amount of change back to a customer. We either give them too much change, just the right amount, or we short-change them. However we slice it, a standard of reality is in play. This is true of all activity and all actions in our lives. In grade school, high school, and in the university, we measure our standard of accuracy/reality with tests. Those tests have right and wrong answers. We receive a score based upon our ability to “get it right”. 2 + 2= 4 always. Any other answer is wrong, always.

This idea of objective truth exists spiritually speaking as well. In fact, unless there is a standard of truth beyond our physical world, why would we expect to see standards of measurable reality to any extent in this world. Would all not be total chaos? If we follow this line of thinking we are ultimately brought to the reality of an absolute being beyond ourselves. If such an absolute exists, it would seem to make sense that this being would know all, even that which is, in reality, best for us.

This is the reason for the focus upon sin, truth, boundaries, and reality. This is the foundation for Optimuslife.org because our contention is that we find the life we were meant to live only as we know this being beyond ourselves, and walk in relationship with Him, learning and doing that which He assures us is for our good. That being said, I must remind you that we never suggest that we can earn or merit, by our good or right behavior, a proper standing before God. None of us can get it all right all the time. And because God is perfect, our getting it wrong leaves us with a gap between us and God. This is where grace, as revealed in the person of Jesus, comes in. The focus always remains on God’s active pursuit of us and His ability to offer us life as it ought to be even as we get it wrong so often.

Now, some practical reality. While your idea sounds good at first, it clearly breaks down. We all know that our actions do affect others. Those who would suggest, “Hey, leave me alone, its my life. I am not hurting anyone.”, are not operating in reality. Take fibbing for an example. Even if one thinks a simple lie may not be harming anyone, reality offers a different perspective. Even if one gets away with most of the lies, others are hurt. More practically, once people begin to see that our stories are not always accurate they begin to trust us less. Less trust between people results in a breakdown in relationship. Bottom line, relationships are harmed, people are harmed.

We could plug in any type of moral issue here and the reality would be the same. If we have no basis of measurement, no standard of absolute truth, then we, as a human people, cannot hope to keep from harming one another. This is true of sex, parent/child relationships, business practices, art, entertainment, romance, friendship, nation building, … Without a sense that an absolute being created us, loves us, and actually directs us in matters of conduct, we have no hope for anything but moral and relational chaos. For if one person believes in the value of gratuitous murder and another does not, how do we determine “harm” if left without a standard of truth? If one culture enjoys cannibalism and another not so much, who is right? If one culture sees no problem with prostitution, even child prostitution, and another cannot fathom the idea of such a thing, how do we establish an absolute guideline? Who is right? Where does the line of “harm” fall in such situations? It must come from beyond ourselves, otherwise we could have over 6 billion varied ideas on what is right, harmful, or proper.

In an odd sort of way, this leads me to point you to the value of the Advent season. Advent, which celebrates the coming of Christ, God in the flesh, to our world, is all about God stepping into our human story to shout the reality that He offers us the proper lens through which we can see the world. In advent we see sin for what it is and truth for who and what it is. It would appear that God has a very sober view of sin, since He chose to intervene in such a dramatic way on our behalf.

Christmas is about the good news of absolute truth! Rather than view absolute truth as a restrictive moral straight jacket, it ought be viewed as the life giving, soul protecting, and joyous revelation of God to us, for our good. Sadly, this is the very message the masses tend to miss during this “holiday”. Amidst all the consumerism, vacations, parties, food, and drink, most tend to miss the staggering reality that what we celebrate is the unfathomable idea that the God of the universe sent a divine message to us in a tiny package over 2,000 years ago. This gift, the way to a life worth living and an eternity of unending joy, is the one we should most hunger for. The baby in the manger, ignored by the innkeepers, and ignored by so much of humanity, is the gift which ought to keep us up all night as we await our embrace of Life. He is Life. He is the definitive reality. He is the one who took our harm upon Himself, and set us free to live for Him and others.

That is the deal, embrace this Truth,
Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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7. December 2007 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

I have been seeing a man for a while who, now that we are engaged, I realize probably is not the kind of person God wants me to be with. He does not seem to have a relationship with God, has no Christian friends, and does not like it when I want to bring up spiritual issues. I have told him that we should call off the wedding, but I am confused as to how I should relate to him from this point on. Do I stay away all together? Is all of this terrible for my Christian “witness”? Why do I keep getting into relationships with men who clearly are not the kind of men God wants me to be in a relationship with? And how do I find the kind of person God wants me to be with?

Anonymous

Dear Reader,

There are a number of issues at play here, it seems to me. Let’s start with the foundation and build from there on this one. First, as you seem to know (at least intellectually), God does have a plan in mind for us as it pertains to relationships, dating, and marriage. Fundamentally, and as we have seen this week in the blogs on wholeness, we must come to a place where we are settled and at rest in the reality that God’s plans for us are much better than our own.

The reason we tend to get off track even when we “know” the truth is that our own bent desires tend to lead us. Like Milton’s “Satan” in Paradise Lost (see yesterday’s blog), we tend to view ourselves impaired or denied when what we want is not what God wants. We fail to remember that the one who created us knows exactly what is best for us. In God’s wisdom, it is clearly better for us to be in relationship with those who are like-minded spiritually. For a committed believer to be in a romantic relationship with a non-believer just makes no sense. The bible suggests that light and darkness don’t match. It is not a good fit. The foundation of romantic, and certainly marital relationships, must be a common faith and pursuit of God’s ways. If this is not in place disaster awaits.

This being said, I think you have made the right decision in calling off the wedding. God forbid, you just give it a go and “hope for the best”. Our best hopes in such a situation turn into a miserable state of affairs. In terms of relating to this individual from here on, I believe you will have to be sensitive to wisdom, practical realities, and the hopes you have for your future.

Does it hurt your “witness”? Well, its never a good thing, in terms of your impact, to walk out your faith in a way that is short of the standards God has made clear. Sadly, we all do this too often. So, accept that you missed the mark, let him and others know that you did just that, and then let him and others know that grace is the operative key reality of your life and that your intentions are to move forward with your future according to God’s plans. Assure people that you recognize your failure, have learned from it, and that you desire to walk out your faith as God has called you to do from this point on.

Wisdom, I believe, calls you to be loving and kind with this man while maintaining boundaries that are appropriate. Practically speaking, you cannot move forward assuming you will “win” him over to your faith perspective. We should not be in relationships where we are hoping to make the person something we want them to be. We ought to pursue and relate with those who are already compatible (though not perfect). Affirm your genuine concern for him and be a friend to him, provided it does not leave you open to temptations you know you will give in to. If you cannot remain just friends while being in contact with each other, then I suggest you take the necessary steps and limit your contact. Again, if you are not “equally yoked” and this man does not even like to engage in spiritual conversation, you are merely prolonging the frustration if you remain too close to it. Your “feelings” must be driven by biblical truth. Emotionally, we are prone to wander, so, make a commitment to allow God’s clear plan to drive you in the direction He has intended and over time feelings can be more in keeping with what God feels about things.

At this point in your life you need to focus your relational efforts in a direction that will take you where God’s future hopes for you are fulfilled. Spend time getting to know people, but do so with God standards in mind. We are called to be light in a dark world, and we are called to be in relationship with others (those inside and outside the church). Don’t fear interacting with other people. Yet, you must be realistic about your tendencies. If men in general are a battlefield for you, then take measures to ensure that you remain properly focused. If you are asked to consider a situation (lunch, dinner, other “date”-like scenarios) that would be attractive to you at first glance, then take time to ponder the spiritual compatibility level first and foremost. Then, assuming that is in place, proceed with wisdom and relax.

I do not think God is going to send you a Godly husband via express mail with a marriage certificate attached. Spend time getting to know people. Along the way, recognize that the most important factor in your “finding” the kind of person God has for you is for you to become the kind of person that an interesting and Godly man would desire. Allow God to make you what He has called you to be and you will have a greater likelihood of stumbling upon the kind of man you desire.

Lastly, in addressing your confession that you seem to wind up with men who are not the kind of person God has for you, let me offer a bit of encouragement for you to run to the most secure source of soul companionship. Until and unless you find yourself at rest in who God is and who He has called you to be, you have little hope in dealing with this issue. We tend to get into those patterns when we move away from God as our source for healing, protection, love, companionship, purpose, and fulfillment. No man will ever offer you ALL you are looking for. Only God quenches the deepest needs of our lives, and only God heals the deepest hurts. Go to Him as the source of your most profound love. He is the only perfect Lover of our souls. Once we rest in that truth, we are freed up to live and love as He intends. He desires that we be in relationship, but all relationships are secondary to our journey with Him.

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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30. November 2007 by BruceSmith.

Dear Bruce,

You previously wrote about the “Holiday of the Soul” in reference to C.S. Lewis’ quote. I think a lot about this, and continually wonder about how to get there living in the culture we live in. If I am to go on the Holiday by the Sea, how do I get from this island of
isolation I seem to find myself in, to the shore? Is there a bridge? You say it is to be authentic and share my heart. In my experience that isn’t enough. The world is full of predators that will snatch it from you so fast and try to mislead you, never mind your good intentions. Who will honor it? Who will be good and respectful and kind in response? Who can you trust? It must be some wonderful combination of authenticity and
boundaries and discernment, I guess. I want the holiday you write about as it relates to relationships, sex, marriage, and life in general. But isn’t enough to want to do the right thing, it seems to me. The wrong thing seems to happen anyway. I desire the “holiday of the soul” with all my heart, but my past, my experience, and my fears, cause me to doubt I will ever find it? At times I just want to say, “Forget it, I will do life alone”. I guess I don’t trust people, or myself, if I am honest. Do I just say, “To heck with it”, and plead grace when I mess up, or do I jump through all the spiritual rules and hoops the church gives me in order to earn the holiday? Is it all rules? Is it no rules? What?

Sincerely,

Elfie

Elfie,

I am convinced, perhaps naive, enough to believe that to the degree one is at rest in their relationship with God, and therefore at rest in their own skin, this “security” dictates the level of spiritual, emotional, and relational health with regard to the issues you bring up. This reality, I believe, applies to sex, relationships, integrity, and life in general. It comes down to knowing who you are/are not in relation to God and others.

The starting point is Isa. 6. Isaiah’s vision captures the essence of the whole deal (life before God, which includes relationships). In seeing God as He really is (Holy…tons of implications here), we see ourselves as we really are (uh, less than holy…again, lots of implications), we are undone (a tangible emotional, psychological, spiritual…and therefore relational awakening), fall on our face, and amazingly we find that God reaches down in grace, touches us, forgives us, redefines us, picks us up, places us in relationship to Him, and then fundamentally calls us to be in relationship with others. The catch is, at this moment all other relationships are redefined by our relationship with Him.

So, no matter who or what or where you are in life, the deal is the same…now relationships are defined as we live and move and have our being in Him, and we just know that relating to others means, compels us to look upon and live with others as He does.

No, indeed, rules never do it…that is the older brother syndrome…but neither does a “liberal” approach to sin/morality. We walk as He calls us because we walk, live, act before an audience of One. Who or what can even come close to offering me what the Lover of my soul can offer me? Really, no one, no thing.

So, the answer is not a fear of relating to or an abandoning of relationships completely, but rather a proper relating to others, even broken others. By God’s grace, and though tempted at times, this is what enables us to live the kind of life we are called to though greatly tempted to settle for mud pies as C.S. Lewis describes it. Why? No person or pleasure would ever be able to restore to me what would be snatched away in that moment of sin.

Make it your purpose to live as Christ calls you to live in each situation and though tempted to jump or abandon ship, you will find He gives the ability to moderate each challenge effectively.

Really, its about the Kingdom of God, living as though we truly are the City on a Hill. Forget them both (rule keeping and a liberal view of sin), neither hit the mark of the Holiday.

With regard to trust and protection. We know human nature and depravity. Yeah, not many, actually none, including yourself, can be always and completely trusted. Trust, all our trust is in His way being THE WAY. We can only trust that He has our best in mind, and then try to live trustworthy lives ourselves. Then as we fail, we don’t blame Him, we recognize we live up to our untrustworthiness and that He is faithful even when we are faithless. He forgives, restores, and gives us a restart. That is the message of the gospel. Its not about Christian perfection. Thank God. The tension between what He offers us and what we experience must be held and accepted, even as we draw a little closer to that place we seek every day. There in lies the drama, the life, the passion and purpose.

All this drams makes the game worth playing. But the game only unfolds within the lines He has drawn. In sport and in life the boundaries must be in place for the game to even make sense. Step outside the lines and bad things happen. Inside the boundaries of His plan and grace the excitement is found.

Keep at it, knowing Him, and pressing on toward the holiday,

Bruce Smith

optimuslife.org

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